It is times like this that I am very aware that I am the only parent in my children't lives. Sure the father of my children is around... sort of... but is he really present? Not really. Ok, so that is a fact, and usually I am totally over it. I have been doing this parenting thing by myself for over six years now, and I would say I am not doing such a bad job. I think I've got it down. Then something tragic happens, or one of my kids makes a bad choice, or someone gets hurt emotionally or physically. You name it, but whatever it is it changes everything.
If you have older kids then you know that the problems aren't fixed with a kiss and a hug. With our older kids it can take days or weeks to get through a problem. As a single mom, the real problem is that we don't have someone to share it with. I miss that. I'm not having a pity party here, I am sharing this because it is reality. This week this is my reality. I am having some issues with my older kids and I have to make parenting decisions on my own. I have no one to bounce ideas off of at home, or nobody to back me up. It just adds to the situation all together.
So what do I do then? I seek out wise women who have already parented children who can give me advice on what to do. I bounce my ideas off of them and see what they think. Most of all, I pray. I pray hard. God knows that I need Him in these situations and He is really there for me.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that this all makes it better, because it doesn't. Sometimes I am sure that my kids are going to put me into a mental institution... but if they do, guess who will have to come visit me there!!!! Ha!!
Friday, November 2, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Miss Independent
It is MEA weekend and I am determined to get some stuff done around my house. I am often so busy that I don't get the big items done that I would like to. Today I conquered half the basement. I needed to vacuum the spider/cob webs for over a year. Plus, I would like to make the basement a little play area/craft room. I don't know if that will ever happen, but at least I can clean it enough that I am not afraid of the spiders when I go do laundry.
While I was vacuuming all the webs and other crud all over, I was thinking this is something my ex-husband would have done when we were married. I find myself getting frustrated when I am stuck doing something that I wouldn't have to do if I were still married. This is when the devil likes to take hold of my thoughts and run with them. I start to get angry and end up having my own little pity party. But then something fabulous happens... once I have started to see what I am accomplishing, I start to feel empowered. Ooooo I can do this. Sure it sucks, but I am doing it. My basement is starting to look good again. I rock! This feeling of accomplishment comes over me and I start feeling proud of myself. I realize I can do anything I put my mind to and I start praising God for keeping me able to do these things. Thanking him for making me independent so I can do these things and others (not to mention raise my family) all by myself.Now, I am laying in bed and I feel great about what I have accomplished today. God is good. I am good. :)
Thursday, August 16, 2012
What I miss
Very rarely do I feel lonely being a single adult woman. When it hits me the most is when there are things going on that are for couples and then I sort of feel left out. But usually the feeling only lasts a couple of minutes. See for me, I have such a peace about the lack of drama in my life now that I am single. So I relish in that when I start to feel that way.
However, lately I have been really noticing that I do not have a mate in my life, someone to share life with. I think it is because there are some major things going on in my life that I wish I had someone to talk about it with. Someone to have as a sounding board, to throw ideas off of. Even someone to give me advice and point me in the right direction in my thinking.
My ex and I were able to talk things through a lot, it was one of the strong parts of our marriage. When things got bad (when it pertained to others not us) we were able to talk things through. So I guess it is easy to miss the good parts of my marriage when I don't have that now.
Don't get me wrong, the bad out weighed the good by far, especially in the end. So even though I am missing this one part, I am reminded often about what I do not miss.
I just thought I would share how I am feeling lately.
However, lately I have been really noticing that I do not have a mate in my life, someone to share life with. I think it is because there are some major things going on in my life that I wish I had someone to talk about it with. Someone to have as a sounding board, to throw ideas off of. Even someone to give me advice and point me in the right direction in my thinking.
My ex and I were able to talk things through a lot, it was one of the strong parts of our marriage. When things got bad (when it pertained to others not us) we were able to talk things through. So I guess it is easy to miss the good parts of my marriage when I don't have that now.
Don't get me wrong, the bad out weighed the good by far, especially in the end. So even though I am missing this one part, I am reminded often about what I do not miss.
I just thought I would share how I am feeling lately.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Stop Living in Fear
As a single mom there is a fear that something could happen to my children or me that would be out of my control. Anyone who watches the news on a regular basis can feel fear of living in this world where there are rapists, murders, just terrible sick people who will attack random people. But being a single mom there is a whole added fear. The fear that my ex husband could snap and do something to our children or me. I want to clarify right away that mine has never given me a reason to think that he would do something other than he deals with depression from time to time.
My ex husband and I separated in early October of 2006. That Christmas there was a man, separated from his wife, who entered into his home, where he had lived with his wife and children, and killed them all. Their story was similar to ours and it scared me. Ever since then I have always had a fear in the back of my mind. You never really know what makes a person snap, and it is scary to see it all the time in the news. Just recently we all saw a man that went to go have a visit with his three children and killed them all. Now the mother, who is still alive, will have to live with that forever. To be honest, I don't know how you would go on after that. Through Christ alone.
I think most of us who are not in a healthy relationship with our ex's feel a since of fear of what could happen because of what we hear in the media. It isn't rare anymore for a man to kill his ex, or for a parent to try to kidnap their children during a visit, or worse for a father (or mother) to kill their children. So even if we haven't been given a reason in our situation, the fear is still there.
I remember the first overnight my youngest had with her dad. Both of them were so excited. I sat up all night worried he might not bring her home.
I have a few friends who actually have reason to live in fear. There have been threats, signs, etc... There is nothing they can really do physically, but what they can do is give it to God. Pray for God to protect their family.
God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day - our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgment - is one not yet fully formed in love. 1 John 4:18
Give your fear to the Lord. It is really all we can do. Our fear is legitimate. Why wouldn't we fear for our lives, our children's lives, with the way the world has gone? I watch my children like a hawk because I fear the evil in this world. I have seen it, up close, when I was younger and I know pure evil is out there. It is a constant struggle for me to give my fear to the Lord. I hold onto it like it is a security blanket. That is no way to live. Giving it to the Lord gives me a peace. Is it a peace that nothing will happen? No. The thoughts are still in the back of my mind... but I still have more peace about it. It is hard to explain in words.
My ex husband and I separated in early October of 2006. That Christmas there was a man, separated from his wife, who entered into his home, where he had lived with his wife and children, and killed them all. Their story was similar to ours and it scared me. Ever since then I have always had a fear in the back of my mind. You never really know what makes a person snap, and it is scary to see it all the time in the news. Just recently we all saw a man that went to go have a visit with his three children and killed them all. Now the mother, who is still alive, will have to live with that forever. To be honest, I don't know how you would go on after that. Through Christ alone.
I think most of us who are not in a healthy relationship with our ex's feel a since of fear of what could happen because of what we hear in the media. It isn't rare anymore for a man to kill his ex, or for a parent to try to kidnap their children during a visit, or worse for a father (or mother) to kill their children. So even if we haven't been given a reason in our situation, the fear is still there. I remember the first overnight my youngest had with her dad. Both of them were so excited. I sat up all night worried he might not bring her home.
I have a few friends who actually have reason to live in fear. There have been threats, signs, etc... There is nothing they can really do physically, but what they can do is give it to God. Pray for God to protect their family.
God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day - our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgment - is one not yet fully formed in love. 1 John 4:18
Give your fear to the Lord. It is really all we can do. Our fear is legitimate. Why wouldn't we fear for our lives, our children's lives, with the way the world has gone? I watch my children like a hawk because I fear the evil in this world. I have seen it, up close, when I was younger and I know pure evil is out there. It is a constant struggle for me to give my fear to the Lord. I hold onto it like it is a security blanket. That is no way to live. Giving it to the Lord gives me a peace. Is it a peace that nothing will happen? No. The thoughts are still in the back of my mind... but I still have more peace about it. It is hard to explain in words.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
He IS my "Sure Shot"!
This was something God put on my moms heart one day. She wrote this:
This was given to me on July 5, 2012
"From my kitchen window":
As I viewed out my kitchen window I noticed a couple of wasps gathering at the top of my outside table umbrella and then they disappeared into a tiny opening. Fearing they would make their home within the folds of the underside of the umbrella, I thought if I opened it they would fly away and "plant" elsewhere. Not so! It was too late. Already they (and their busy squadron) had already formed a sizable nest. Determined to rid our umbrella of the threatening and feared possible stings as we would sit unsuspectingly beneath, I got out a can of wasp and hornet spray "Sure Shot" - "Kills on Contact" and blasted a steady stream directly aiming at the nest and swarming wasps. Instantly the wasps dropped or flew away.
As I returned to my "inside retreat" watching again from my kitchen window - I noticed a few die hard wasps flying around the umbrella attempting to return to their nest, which was soaked in Sure Shot. I thought, "those wasps are persistent - looking for another entrance - another option - but they were unsuccessful. The Sure Shot was the distraction to prevent the rebuilding of the nest. As I experienced my wasp event I thought how similar the enemy Satan is! He searches for the smallest entrance in our lives - and almost without noticing he enters and makes his residence within, gathering, building, causing havoc in our lives with unsuspecting skill and harmful "stings" using - guilt, shame, unresolved anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, envy, jealousy, strife, creating his damaging effects in our lives. The Lord, His Word, our faith, our praise and thankfulness to Him, our obedience to Him is our protection to keep a constant and continuous guard against the enemy and be our "Sure Shot" to prevent the enemy from entering or taking up residence within us.
He IS my "Sure Shot"!
This was given to me on July 5, 2012
"From my kitchen window":
As I viewed out my kitchen window I noticed a couple of wasps gathering at the top of my outside table umbrella and then they disappeared into a tiny opening. Fearing they would make their home within the folds of the underside of the umbrella, I thought if I opened it they would fly away and "plant" elsewhere. Not so! It was too late. Already they (and their busy squadron) had already formed a sizable nest. Determined to rid our umbrella of the threatening and feared possible stings as we would sit unsuspectingly beneath, I got out a can of wasp and hornet spray "Sure Shot" - "Kills on Contact" and blasted a steady stream directly aiming at the nest and swarming wasps. Instantly the wasps dropped or flew away.
As I returned to my "inside retreat" watching again from my kitchen window - I noticed a few die hard wasps flying around the umbrella attempting to return to their nest, which was soaked in Sure Shot. I thought, "those wasps are persistent - looking for another entrance - another option - but they were unsuccessful. The Sure Shot was the distraction to prevent the rebuilding of the nest. As I experienced my wasp event I thought how similar the enemy Satan is! He searches for the smallest entrance in our lives - and almost without noticing he enters and makes his residence within, gathering, building, causing havoc in our lives with unsuspecting skill and harmful "stings" using - guilt, shame, unresolved anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, envy, jealousy, strife, creating his damaging effects in our lives. The Lord, His Word, our faith, our praise and thankfulness to Him, our obedience to Him is our protection to keep a constant and continuous guard against the enemy and be our "Sure Shot" to prevent the enemy from entering or taking up residence within us.
He IS my "Sure Shot"!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Eclectic Group of Friends
Yesterday I had a close friend say to me, "You have a eclectic group of friends." She is so right! I love it. The interesting thing is that there is a story behind it and God has truly blessed me in this area.
For years I struggled with feeling uncomfortable around people. I think it was because my life was full of secret pain that I couldn't share. My husband was my security blanket when we would go places. I thought I was an extreme introvert. I would rather be at home alone than go somewhere with people. It was painful to go to church on Sundays. I would purposely plan to be late and want to leave as soon as it was over.
When my husband and I separated, I pulled away from most of our friends. I was very lonely and needed people. I search online and found a Divorce Care (best program ever!) at a local church. I started going to the group and later began attending the church. Through this I found amazing friends. I can't imagine what my life would look like now if I didn't have those ladies in my life. All of us were in similar situations - single moms trying to find a way to deal with life. We healed together, supported each other, laughed and cried often. (See previous post)
After four years, God started nudging me to go back to my home church. You have got to be kidding! I have talked about it before, so I will make this short.... I obeyed and God blessed me with more friends than I could ever imagine having! And guess what... Many of them are married, and I love it!
We need single moms in our lives to be able to vent to, cry with, understand each other, support each other and pray together. It is important. No one can understand the heartache we feel when our children suffer from being in a single parent home, but another single mom. HOWEVER, we need to surround ourselves with married women too. One thing God laid on my heart when He was asking me to go back to my home church was that it wasn't good for my children growing up thinking that being in a single parent home was 'normal'. Don't get upset that I just said that.... think about it. If you are truly a Godly woman, then you know this is not what God wanted for our children, for us. It is not what God planned for us. I want my children to grow up seeing healthy marriages. I want them to have healthy marriages!
So I obeyed and God took care of the rest. I can honestly tell you that these friendships fell into my life. It was nothing short of a miracle! These women accept me for who I am and love and support me. I can share with them something I am going through, and they feel it with me, but mostly I find myself being me and focusing on me and my life. Not the single mom life, the working mom life, or the many other lives I lead... but Julie's life. Sure all that is part of it, but there are other parts of me too. Do you want to know the best part of it? A coulpe of their husbands have taken a special interest in my little girl and make sure to give her some special attention. Another husband checks on me and helps me with my car and has offered for me to sit with them on a Sunday morning.
I am sitting here feeling so overwhelmed by God's love in my life. How He has truly taken care of me in what I needed. Oh by the way, the funniest thing is I realized after all these years that I am 100% a true extrovert! Who knew? Well, obviously God knew because he has surrounded me with more friends than I ever could have imagined! I have my single moms - who are my rock, I have friends that I have had since I was young - who know me well and have been with me through thick and thin, and now I have this amazing group of married women - who treat me like I am just one of them... which I am!
I think that is the whole point. It is so great to be just Julie and have a good time. :)
Think about this... if this is a desire of your heart, or even if it isn't, pray about it. Ask God to put friendships in your life that will benefit you and your children.
For years I struggled with feeling uncomfortable around people. I think it was because my life was full of secret pain that I couldn't share. My husband was my security blanket when we would go places. I thought I was an extreme introvert. I would rather be at home alone than go somewhere with people. It was painful to go to church on Sundays. I would purposely plan to be late and want to leave as soon as it was over.
When my husband and I separated, I pulled away from most of our friends. I was very lonely and needed people. I search online and found a Divorce Care (best program ever!) at a local church. I started going to the group and later began attending the church. Through this I found amazing friends. I can't imagine what my life would look like now if I didn't have those ladies in my life. All of us were in similar situations - single moms trying to find a way to deal with life. We healed together, supported each other, laughed and cried often. (See previous post)
After four years, God started nudging me to go back to my home church. You have got to be kidding! I have talked about it before, so I will make this short.... I obeyed and God blessed me with more friends than I could ever imagine having! And guess what... Many of them are married, and I love it!
We need single moms in our lives to be able to vent to, cry with, understand each other, support each other and pray together. It is important. No one can understand the heartache we feel when our children suffer from being in a single parent home, but another single mom. HOWEVER, we need to surround ourselves with married women too. One thing God laid on my heart when He was asking me to go back to my home church was that it wasn't good for my children growing up thinking that being in a single parent home was 'normal'. Don't get upset that I just said that.... think about it. If you are truly a Godly woman, then you know this is not what God wanted for our children, for us. It is not what God planned for us. I want my children to grow up seeing healthy marriages. I want them to have healthy marriages!
So I obeyed and God took care of the rest. I can honestly tell you that these friendships fell into my life. It was nothing short of a miracle! These women accept me for who I am and love and support me. I can share with them something I am going through, and they feel it with me, but mostly I find myself being me and focusing on me and my life. Not the single mom life, the working mom life, or the many other lives I lead... but Julie's life. Sure all that is part of it, but there are other parts of me too. Do you want to know the best part of it? A coulpe of their husbands have taken a special interest in my little girl and make sure to give her some special attention. Another husband checks on me and helps me with my car and has offered for me to sit with them on a Sunday morning.
I am sitting here feeling so overwhelmed by God's love in my life. How He has truly taken care of me in what I needed. Oh by the way, the funniest thing is I realized after all these years that I am 100% a true extrovert! Who knew? Well, obviously God knew because he has surrounded me with more friends than I ever could have imagined! I have my single moms - who are my rock, I have friends that I have had since I was young - who know me well and have been with me through thick and thin, and now I have this amazing group of married women - who treat me like I am just one of them... which I am!
I think that is the whole point. It is so great to be just Julie and have a good time. :)
Think about this... if this is a desire of your heart, or even if it isn't, pray about it. Ask God to put friendships in your life that will benefit you and your children.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Why are kids so smart?
Today my seven year old asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks. "Mommy, did you and daddy fight over who would keep me?" What on earth??? How did she even know to ask that question? Kids are so smart these days. It is questions like these, that are a reminder of where I am in life, that are hard to answer. I think I handled this one well though. There was a part of me that wanted to blurt out something not so nice... But God helped me hold my tongue and be still for a moment while I thought of the appropriate answer. This is what I said, "Well, that is an interesting question sweet. Actually there was never a thought about who you would go with. One of the wonderful things about your dad is that he puts your best interests first and he knows that I am a good mommy and that I am the best one for you to live with. You it was never a question. Do you realize how much your dad loves you?" She got a big smile on her face and nodded. That was all she needed. I think she asked that because she wanted to see if her dad wanted her. I could have crushed her spirit with the wrong answer.
This kind of goes with yesterdays post about showing my children their fathers love when I can. :) Today I handled it well, now for tomorrow!
This kind of goes with yesterdays post about showing my children their fathers love when I can. :) Today I handled it well, now for tomorrow!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
My kids ARE different.
Today while hanging out with some friends, I was talking about how my older daughter strives to be a little different while my youngest daughter can't stand being different in any way. She is only seven and already she worries about what others think of her and she wants to fit in so bad. One of my sweet friends pointed out that she probably wants to feel the same because she must often feel different because her parents are divorced. Wow... that hit me like a ton of bricks. She is so right!
I remember last year watching my youngest tell a friend that her parents are divorced. She looked at me with a slanted smile. UGH my heart just broke into little pieces! That is not what I wanted for my children.
Ok, but here is the deal... rather than sit and wallow in the fact that this is true and this isn't what I wanted, And trust me I so could, I want to think about a way I can help the situation. How can I make it better for my little sweet girl right now. I'm not one to say "Well, this is my life so I guess we are just going to have to deal with it" type of person. If I want something bad enough, I try to figure out a way to make it work.
Here are a couple of things I thought of today that could help in my situation:
1. Make time to have lunch with her at school and volunteer too.
2. Be more active with other families - both single parents and married. (Some times I am so exhausted we just stay home and I know she feels like she is missing out on fun things.)
3. Try to bring more of her dad into her life. (This does not mean visits because I have tried to get him to see her more and he just can't for some reason, but by talking about him or drawing pictures for him, I can make him a bigger part of her life so she doesn't have to feel like he is hardly in it.)
Any other ideas?
I am determined to make a better life for my children. I don't want them to feel like they are in a struggling single mom home. Granted we are....especially sometimes... but being a parent isn't about money or things. It is about enjoying life together and there is plenty we can do to make life good for our kids.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Tithing
Ok ladies... I am challenging all of you to start tithing with me. I have been tithing on and off for the last six years. Sometimes more off than on, to be honest!
But God provides when we obey Him and when I tithe my finances are so much easier to handle and when I don't I struggle with anxiety. God is faithful! This week God performed nothing less than a miracle in my finances! A pure miracle! I cried out to Him on Monday and then on Tuesday there was unexpected money in my account to cover exactly what I needed! He hears our cries. He answers our prayers. I am going to be a good steward of my money and honor what He has blessed me with. I find that when I tithe, I am not as tempted to spend where I shouldn't, struggle financially, and money comes out of nowhere when needed.
Let's make a pact that we will tithe from all of our income for the next six months and then let's share our testimonies!
Who is with me?
But God provides when we obey Him and when I tithe my finances are so much easier to handle and when I don't I struggle with anxiety. God is faithful! This week God performed nothing less than a miracle in my finances! A pure miracle! I cried out to Him on Monday and then on Tuesday there was unexpected money in my account to cover exactly what I needed! He hears our cries. He answers our prayers. I am going to be a good steward of my money and honor what He has blessed me with. I find that when I tithe, I am not as tempted to spend where I shouldn't, struggle financially, and money comes out of nowhere when needed.
Let's make a pact that we will tithe from all of our income for the next six months and then let's share our testimonies!
Who is with me?
The Holy Spirit
On June 30th the devotional, Jesus Calling, has an entry that spoke exactly what God has been showing me this year. Inviting the Holy Spirit to be a part of us on a daily basis is how we can be in tune to God's will for us minute by minute. That gut feeling you get sometimes? That is the Holy Spirit. I have been learning to ask God to fill me with the Holy Spirit so that I can be the best Godly woman, mother, I can be. God guides me daily. Having the Holy Spirit in my life has helped me resist temptations and to know when I need to change something in my life.
Sometimes I think we forget about the Holy Spirit and focus on God and Jesus. But it is the trinity that we are rewarded when we ask Jesus into our heart and lives.
As single moms, we don't have that partner to help us raise our children. I have heard many people say that God can fill our missing pieces in our lives... and I get that, however I am not going to sit here and act like because I have God in my life, that I don't have lonely times, or with I had someone to cuddle with or even share ideas with. It is so much easier to raise children when there are two minds coming together to figure out what to do. Well, having the Holy Spirit in my life is helping me in that area. The Holy Spirit shows me how to raise my children, gives me peace when I am on the right track and gives me a sign when I am not. Think about this.
Jesus Calling - June 30th
I am the Truth: the One who came to set you free. As the Holy Spirit controls your mind and actions mor fully, you become free in Me. You are increasingly released to become the one I created you to be. This is a work that I do in you as you yield to My Spirit. I can do My best handiwork when you sit in the stillness of My Presence, focusing your entire being on Me.
Let My thoughts burst freely upon your consciousness, stimulating abundant Life. I am the Way and the Truth and the Life. As you follow Me, I lead you along paths of newness: ways you have never imagined. Don't worry about what is on the road up ahead. I want you to find your security in knowing Me, the One who died to set you free.
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32
For it is God who works in you to will and to act according t His good purpose. Philippians 2:13
Sometimes I think we forget about the Holy Spirit and focus on God and Jesus. But it is the trinity that we are rewarded when we ask Jesus into our heart and lives.
As single moms, we don't have that partner to help us raise our children. I have heard many people say that God can fill our missing pieces in our lives... and I get that, however I am not going to sit here and act like because I have God in my life, that I don't have lonely times, or with I had someone to cuddle with or even share ideas with. It is so much easier to raise children when there are two minds coming together to figure out what to do. Well, having the Holy Spirit in my life is helping me in that area. The Holy Spirit shows me how to raise my children, gives me peace when I am on the right track and gives me a sign when I am not. Think about this.
Jesus Calling - June 30th
I am the Truth: the One who came to set you free. As the Holy Spirit controls your mind and actions mor fully, you become free in Me. You are increasingly released to become the one I created you to be. This is a work that I do in you as you yield to My Spirit. I can do My best handiwork when you sit in the stillness of My Presence, focusing your entire being on Me.
Let My thoughts burst freely upon your consciousness, stimulating abundant Life. I am the Way and the Truth and the Life. As you follow Me, I lead you along paths of newness: ways you have never imagined. Don't worry about what is on the road up ahead. I want you to find your security in knowing Me, the One who died to set you free.
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32
For it is God who works in you to will and to act according t His good purpose. Philippians 2:13
Forgiving our Enemy(s)
Sometimes the hardest thing can be forgiving those who have hurt us, but it is what we need to do, not only because we are called to forgive, but because we need to for our own sanity, for peace.
The single moms retreat in May was amazing! It was our first annual retreat with such blessings for the 200+ single moms that showed up. They were treated to mini spa treatments, a boutique, good food, prizes and most of all speakers that lead us in the right direction.
The first talk was on forgiveness. As it ended I looked around the room and saw so many women just weeping. So many of us single moms struggle with anger. Not necessarily at the father of our children, but usually that is the reality. Anger/Bitterness is when we allow someones actions to take over our emotions. Sure they have hurt/betrayed us. They were in the wrong. (Usually) BUT it is our choice to allow it to fester in our lives.
I for one have experienced what anger can do in my life. For years I allowed my anger at my husband to keep me in a depression. I was miserable and would often find myself losing my temper. Once we separated, the anger literally took over my life, my brain, my heart. I have said before, but I really do not remember three years of my life because I was so angry. By allowing this anger to take control of my life, I found that I was angry at other people and things. My anger towards one man (The root) lead to all the branches of anger towards others in my life. The church for not supporting me, girlfriends for not being able to handle our separation, my family for not totally understanding, the government because I needed help and it was such a hard process, and many individuals for comments they would make when they did not know the whole situation. The fact is that I was taking things that would happen, things I had a right to be angry or hurt about, but the anger I felt was multiplied by 100 because I was so full of anger at him.
There is a big difference in being angry at someone in an unhealthy way, and being angry for the moment you need to be.
Here is an example:
Let's say that someone makes a choice that effects you. At the beginning of our separation I would ask my children's father to spend time with them. I used to get so angry that he wouldn't have time, for whatever reason. I would be angry for weeks, talking about it with each of my friends. Finally after yelling and fighting all the time, I heard God speak to me "Look at this as a blessing." So, now I do. Even when he calls to tell me he can't take our daughter because of a cold, I don't let it get to me. Sure I am upset at first. I only have 6-7 hours a week to get everything done, BUT I choose to look at it as more time with my sweet girl. I get upset for maybe 10 minutes and then I move on. That is healthy.... Holding it in for weeks is not healthy. Ask yourself, which way you handle the things that upset you? Is this how you want to live? What are you showing your children?
Here is a question... how many of you are in a place where you can SEE that you are doing this? We often don't realize that we are feeling/reacting this way until we are out of it. I can see what I was doing back then, but at the time I felt like I had every reason to feel that way towards everyone. We can not change a person, we can not force them to ask for our forgiveness, or even be repentant... but WE CAN CHANGE ourselves. We are responsible for our reactions to the offenses. But how do we change our reactions?
The key, the answer???? Forgiving the one person you need to forgive. Once you do that, God will give you a peace and understanding. He will wash the anger from you.
"Come now, let us settle the matter," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool"
I literally felt the anger washing out of my body. The peace just washed over me. Once you let the anger go, you will be able to start seeing clearly again. Don't get me wrong, it is NOT easy. It took me a long time to be able to forgive him. It is through a lot of prayer and willingness to let go that I was finally able to forgive. Having forgiveness in my heart for people who have hurt me or my family has changed my life. Am I perfect in this? No, not at all. It is a work in progress. :)
The single moms retreat in May was amazing! It was our first annual retreat with such blessings for the 200+ single moms that showed up. They were treated to mini spa treatments, a boutique, good food, prizes and most of all speakers that lead us in the right direction.
The first talk was on forgiveness. As it ended I looked around the room and saw so many women just weeping. So many of us single moms struggle with anger. Not necessarily at the father of our children, but usually that is the reality. Anger/Bitterness is when we allow someones actions to take over our emotions. Sure they have hurt/betrayed us. They were in the wrong. (Usually) BUT it is our choice to allow it to fester in our lives.
I for one have experienced what anger can do in my life. For years I allowed my anger at my husband to keep me in a depression. I was miserable and would often find myself losing my temper. Once we separated, the anger literally took over my life, my brain, my heart. I have said before, but I really do not remember three years of my life because I was so angry. By allowing this anger to take control of my life, I found that I was angry at other people and things. My anger towards one man (The root) lead to all the branches of anger towards others in my life. The church for not supporting me, girlfriends for not being able to handle our separation, my family for not totally understanding, the government because I needed help and it was such a hard process, and many individuals for comments they would make when they did not know the whole situation. The fact is that I was taking things that would happen, things I had a right to be angry or hurt about, but the anger I felt was multiplied by 100 because I was so full of anger at him.
There is a big difference in being angry at someone in an unhealthy way, and being angry for the moment you need to be.
Here is an example:
Let's say that someone makes a choice that effects you. At the beginning of our separation I would ask my children's father to spend time with them. I used to get so angry that he wouldn't have time, for whatever reason. I would be angry for weeks, talking about it with each of my friends. Finally after yelling and fighting all the time, I heard God speak to me "Look at this as a blessing." So, now I do. Even when he calls to tell me he can't take our daughter because of a cold, I don't let it get to me. Sure I am upset at first. I only have 6-7 hours a week to get everything done, BUT I choose to look at it as more time with my sweet girl. I get upset for maybe 10 minutes and then I move on. That is healthy.... Holding it in for weeks is not healthy. Ask yourself, which way you handle the things that upset you? Is this how you want to live? What are you showing your children?
Here is a question... how many of you are in a place where you can SEE that you are doing this? We often don't realize that we are feeling/reacting this way until we are out of it. I can see what I was doing back then, but at the time I felt like I had every reason to feel that way towards everyone. We can not change a person, we can not force them to ask for our forgiveness, or even be repentant... but WE CAN CHANGE ourselves. We are responsible for our reactions to the offenses. But how do we change our reactions?
The key, the answer???? Forgiving the one person you need to forgive. Once you do that, God will give you a peace and understanding. He will wash the anger from you.
"Come now, let us settle the matter," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool"
I literally felt the anger washing out of my body. The peace just washed over me. Once you let the anger go, you will be able to start seeing clearly again. Don't get me wrong, it is NOT easy. It took me a long time to be able to forgive him. It is through a lot of prayer and willingness to let go that I was finally able to forgive. Having forgiveness in my heart for people who have hurt me or my family has changed my life. Am I perfect in this? No, not at all. It is a work in progress. :)
Monday, June 25, 2012
Changing My Attitude
So many amazing things have happened in the last few month. God has been so present and real to me and others, it has been just what I needed to see His strength. So why am I in such a funk now? I struggle with just feeling so depressed. I think some of it has to do with being burnt out (I did just go over seas, help plan a retreat for 200 women, left my girl for 2 weeks and graduated from school with my AA degree) I guess I had a lot on my plate!!!
However, I think more than that, I am just really sad and a little bitter right now. I am working almost full time, my daughter is in daycare four days a week and I have little money to do the things I wish I could do with her. I have rearranged my work schedule so that I can work while my daughter's dad has her on Sundays, which is great except I have lost all my time that I have to myself to prepare for the week. I see on Facebook that other moms are going to the beach, park, zoo and pool with their children and it breaks my heart. I want to do that. My whole like I have wanted to be a mom and enjoy my children. And up to this point I have! I loved being home and taking care of them, playing with them, watching them grow. It was what I was called to do.
I never in a million years would have thought that I would be working and putting my seven year old in daycare four days a week. I have to be honest... I hate it. It has knocked me off my feet this summer.
So how do I move past this? If I stay in this funk I am going to ruin my summer and my kids summer.
The last two weeks have been great sermons at our church. I love the summer sermons because we have different speakers every week and they talk about 'The One Thing' they would like to tell us. Last week was Ryan Skoog and he shared about being happy. Why aren't we happy? We are going to live in eternity! Jesus is in our hearts! We should be Joyful not complaining! Yesterday Tom Truszinski spoke on living with Godliness and contentment. Both taught how we need to be thankful for what God has done. Focus on the positives, not the negatives. (You can hear both of these on Cedar Valley's website: www.cvchurch.org)
So this is my focus this week:
However, I think more than that, I am just really sad and a little bitter right now. I am working almost full time, my daughter is in daycare four days a week and I have little money to do the things I wish I could do with her. I have rearranged my work schedule so that I can work while my daughter's dad has her on Sundays, which is great except I have lost all my time that I have to myself to prepare for the week. I see on Facebook that other moms are going to the beach, park, zoo and pool with their children and it breaks my heart. I want to do that. My whole like I have wanted to be a mom and enjoy my children. And up to this point I have! I loved being home and taking care of them, playing with them, watching them grow. It was what I was called to do.
I never in a million years would have thought that I would be working and putting my seven year old in daycare four days a week. I have to be honest... I hate it. It has knocked me off my feet this summer.
So how do I move past this? If I stay in this funk I am going to ruin my summer and my kids summer.
The last two weeks have been great sermons at our church. I love the summer sermons because we have different speakers every week and they talk about 'The One Thing' they would like to tell us. Last week was Ryan Skoog and he shared about being happy. Why aren't we happy? We are going to live in eternity! Jesus is in our hearts! We should be Joyful not complaining! Yesterday Tom Truszinski spoke on living with Godliness and contentment. Both taught how we need to be thankful for what God has done. Focus on the positives, not the negatives. (You can hear both of these on Cedar Valley's website: www.cvchurch.org)
So this is my focus this week:
- I am more that thankful/grateful that Sabrina has the best daycare worker in the world. A woman who truly loves her and appreciates her personality.
- I am thankful for two jobs that are flexible and understand that my children are my first priority. I can call in if my kids need me without feeling guilty.
- I am thankful God has blessed me to work jobs that can pay my bills. He has always taken care of me financially... even when I don't know how we are going to make it.
- I am thankful for finding an amazing house to rent where my landlord does my yard work!
- I am thankful that I have kids that I love and that love me too. (Happy Family)
- I am thankful that I can afford a pool pass so I can do my favorite thing - swim.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Friendships
When my ex and I first separated, I lost several friends. It was heartbreaking. Some of it was me. I pulled away because I felt so alone, like people didn't understand where I was. Being a Christian especially can be very hard because other Christians don't necessarily support people when they separate, no matter what the reason. The loneliest feeling is feeling like you are all alone and no one understands what you are going through.
I think sometimes people don't know what to say, or they are afraid if they 'get' what is going on it could happen to them (I actually had a friend tell me that), or they are so stuck in their right vs. wrong mentality that they can't see what the actual situation is. You can't blame them for that really... I would have been like that possibly if I hadn't been through my divorce. I don't know if I would have understood one of my friends going through that before.
I was so lonely and so depressed. I felt like I had lost everything. My ex's friends would gather around him, take him to dinner and a movie. My girlfriends couldn't 'deal' with it, so they didn't know how to talk to me. I went online and found a DivorceCare group. Best decision I could have ever made! I wasn't even sure we were going to get divorced at the time, but I needed other people around me who understood what I was going through.
Within the first couple of weeks I met a woman who was going through similar things I was. We connected and I knew God gave me a new friend. Soon after we made other friends too. Oh my God blessed me! These ladies were able to stand by me and help me through one of the most difficult times in my life! No one ever pushed me to divorce my ex, they would all call me on things that I did that I needed to work on, they let me be angry, but gently told me it wasn't a good place to be and they supported me when I tried to reconcile and then when I finally chose divorce.
Those are good friends! Any time you are going through something that makes you feel alone, you need to find at least one other person who understands or gets what you are feeling. Pray that God puts someone in your life. I did and Donna was placed in that group next to me on a specific day. We connected about our kids, but our situations were similar. She later reconciled with her husband and I later divorced mine. But that isn't what our friendship was about. It was about healing, working through our pain, listening to God and being there for each other.
My group of friends is still so important to me. We have all moved past the 'going through a divorce' stage of our lives. A couple of them are remarried, or reconciled with their ex's, a couple of us are still single, but we are all in a better place. We made it this far because we had each other.
I hope that anyone reading this can find a friend or friends to go through their hard times with. It makes such a difference!
I would like to dedicate this post to my wonderful friends Donna, Dana, Faye, Rachel and Semina.
I think sometimes people don't know what to say, or they are afraid if they 'get' what is going on it could happen to them (I actually had a friend tell me that), or they are so stuck in their right vs. wrong mentality that they can't see what the actual situation is. You can't blame them for that really... I would have been like that possibly if I hadn't been through my divorce. I don't know if I would have understood one of my friends going through that before.
I was so lonely and so depressed. I felt like I had lost everything. My ex's friends would gather around him, take him to dinner and a movie. My girlfriends couldn't 'deal' with it, so they didn't know how to talk to me. I went online and found a DivorceCare group. Best decision I could have ever made! I wasn't even sure we were going to get divorced at the time, but I needed other people around me who understood what I was going through.
Within the first couple of weeks I met a woman who was going through similar things I was. We connected and I knew God gave me a new friend. Soon after we made other friends too. Oh my God blessed me! These ladies were able to stand by me and help me through one of the most difficult times in my life! No one ever pushed me to divorce my ex, they would all call me on things that I did that I needed to work on, they let me be angry, but gently told me it wasn't a good place to be and they supported me when I tried to reconcile and then when I finally chose divorce.
Those are good friends! Any time you are going through something that makes you feel alone, you need to find at least one other person who understands or gets what you are feeling. Pray that God puts someone in your life. I did and Donna was placed in that group next to me on a specific day. We connected about our kids, but our situations were similar. She later reconciled with her husband and I later divorced mine. But that isn't what our friendship was about. It was about healing, working through our pain, listening to God and being there for each other.
My group of friends is still so important to me. We have all moved past the 'going through a divorce' stage of our lives. A couple of them are remarried, or reconciled with their ex's, a couple of us are still single, but we are all in a better place. We made it this far because we had each other.
I hope that anyone reading this can find a friend or friends to go through their hard times with. It makes such a difference!
I would like to dedicate this post to my wonderful friends Donna, Dana, Faye, Rachel and Semina.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
God!
I am beyond excited for what God is doing for Single Moms here is Minnesota right now! I can hardly stand it! Two to three years ago, God called me back to my 'home' church. I hadn't gone there regularly for ten years. I was so comfortable in the church I was in. They had an amazing single moms group and I loved being with all of them. I was so frustrated because I knew my old church was a family church. "Really God? Why are you making me go back to a church where there are no single parents? No divorces? Just families? I will never fit in!" I fought God for probably six months but finally gave in.
It was so obvious to me that we were in the right place. My kids were flourishing! I thanked God because that was what was important. I would sacrifice my comfort for them... but I felt forgotten by God, but knew that this is what was right.
In these past two years, God has given me friendships that I never knew I would have. Friendships with married women! Plus, God was laying on the heart of two of our pastors to start supporting single moms. Now I am the leader of a single moms group and we have 20 ladies (and one man)!
I am so blessed! By following God's plan for my life, by actually listening to him... He has taken care of everything. Everything I was losing from my other church, He has fulfilled and then some. Not only that, but we sometimes partner with my other church, so I still get to see my friends and experience their love for single moms! God is so good!
It was so obvious to me that we were in the right place. My kids were flourishing! I thanked God because that was what was important. I would sacrifice my comfort for them... but I felt forgotten by God, but knew that this is what was right.
In these past two years, God has given me friendships that I never knew I would have. Friendships with married women! Plus, God was laying on the heart of two of our pastors to start supporting single moms. Now I am the leader of a single moms group and we have 20 ladies (and one man)!
I am so blessed! By following God's plan for my life, by actually listening to him... He has taken care of everything. Everything I was losing from my other church, He has fulfilled and then some. Not only that, but we sometimes partner with my other church, so I still get to see my friends and experience their love for single moms! God is so good!
Ugh... my ex!
Why is it that our ex's can bring us to a place in ourselves we never knew we had in us? I think it is because we used to love and trust them. We had true deep feelings for this person. Even if they aren't an 'ex', you were intimate with them and that is a special bond created by God. So we have this bond with someone and now they aren't who we thought anymore. Either they have changed, or we finally realized this is the way they are and couldn't live that way anymore. Either way, it is devastating.
I think one reason our ex's get under our skin so much is because we let them. My life with my ex has been an emotional rollercoaster. I truly loved that man and we had great times together. He has some struggles in his life that he just can't seem to get past. All throughout our marriage, actually even before our marriage, I believed in the good man he wanted to be. So we would go through a cycle where I was his cheerleader to be that man, then another bad decision would bring us back down. Over and over again for years. I love this quote from the movie The Holiday, it sums it up completely... Iris and Miles were talking about why they stay with people that aren't good for them. "Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you."
I still find myself getting depressed some times over choices my ex makes. Is it because I still have hope? Is it because it brings back painful memories? I actually don't know. I do know that I refuse to let my emotions about my ex control my life anymore, so as soon as I notice it, I change what I am doing and get back on my feet.
My point in telling you this is that I have had to come to a place where I accept him for who he is. I can not take those decisions personally anymore. If you think about it, isn't that what we are doing a lot of the time? With most of us, our ex's decisions are not just to tick us off, it is who they are. The sooner you can accept that, the more peace you will feel when they make those decisions.
Think about what it is exactly that bothers you so much. What is it that really gets you mad? Then process those feelings. What is it about that situation that makes you mad? What expectations did you have? Obviously they weren't met, but why did you have those expectations? Have they proven before that this might have happened again?
Here are some ideas that I have implemented in my life that have helped me:
1. Don't expect anything. I do not plan on anything, even the visits. Sometimes my ex gets sick and can't take her, or his car breaks down. I have to have a alternate plan in case it doesn't work out. So, even when I make plans for that day, in the back of my head I know it may not happen or I have other options. That way when he does call and cancel, I am not upset and it doesn't have to ruin my day or even week.
2. Don't try to control them or the situation - If you couldn't control and/or change them when you were with them, what makes you think you can now? I have learned that being on the same 'team' has helped out tremendously! In other words, rather than attack my ex about what he is doing wrong, we have a conversation about our children and what we need to do to help a situation. In our discussion I bring up thing I need to work on too. We aren't perfect, so let's not act like we are when reprimanding our ex's. Look, the two of you aren't going to parent the same way or make the same decisions. You might as well come to terms with it sooner than later, because it probably isn't going to change. Unless it is physically or emotionally harming your child, you really don't have much say in the matter. I think it is the hardest part of co-parenting.
3. Put your kids first - Take your emotions out of it as much as you can. Really it is about the kids and their needs. Studies have shown that kids love their parents no matter what they have done. Kids want and need their parents. Sometimes it is hard to remember, but I try to think what my kid(s) would want or need when it comes to my ex... rather than my comfort level. For example: if he wants to see my daughter for an hour during the week, if it is possible, I let it happen. Is it convenient? Does it throw us off schedule? Yes. BUT it shows my daughter that her dad is thinking about her and loves her. That is so important to our kids.
4. Pray Pray Pray - Pray for forgiveness, of you ex and yourself. Pray that you are wise and don't allow your hurt and anger to control your decisions. Pray for your attitude to be peaceful about your ex around your children. Pray for everything and every situation! God will help you through this. I have seen it in my own life.
All I know is that the sooner you are at peace with everything, the better your life will be. PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM AWARE THAT THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERY SITUATION! This blog is for those of us whose ex's are not seriously harming our children.
I think one reason our ex's get under our skin so much is because we let them. My life with my ex has been an emotional rollercoaster. I truly loved that man and we had great times together. He has some struggles in his life that he just can't seem to get past. All throughout our marriage, actually even before our marriage, I believed in the good man he wanted to be. So we would go through a cycle where I was his cheerleader to be that man, then another bad decision would bring us back down. Over and over again for years. I love this quote from the movie The Holiday, it sums it up completely... Iris and Miles were talking about why they stay with people that aren't good for them. "Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you."
I still find myself getting depressed some times over choices my ex makes. Is it because I still have hope? Is it because it brings back painful memories? I actually don't know. I do know that I refuse to let my emotions about my ex control my life anymore, so as soon as I notice it, I change what I am doing and get back on my feet.
My point in telling you this is that I have had to come to a place where I accept him for who he is. I can not take those decisions personally anymore. If you think about it, isn't that what we are doing a lot of the time? With most of us, our ex's decisions are not just to tick us off, it is who they are. The sooner you can accept that, the more peace you will feel when they make those decisions.
Think about what it is exactly that bothers you so much. What is it that really gets you mad? Then process those feelings. What is it about that situation that makes you mad? What expectations did you have? Obviously they weren't met, but why did you have those expectations? Have they proven before that this might have happened again?
Here are some ideas that I have implemented in my life that have helped me:
1. Don't expect anything. I do not plan on anything, even the visits. Sometimes my ex gets sick and can't take her, or his car breaks down. I have to have a alternate plan in case it doesn't work out. So, even when I make plans for that day, in the back of my head I know it may not happen or I have other options. That way when he does call and cancel, I am not upset and it doesn't have to ruin my day or even week.
2. Don't try to control them or the situation - If you couldn't control and/or change them when you were with them, what makes you think you can now? I have learned that being on the same 'team' has helped out tremendously! In other words, rather than attack my ex about what he is doing wrong, we have a conversation about our children and what we need to do to help a situation. In our discussion I bring up thing I need to work on too. We aren't perfect, so let's not act like we are when reprimanding our ex's. Look, the two of you aren't going to parent the same way or make the same decisions. You might as well come to terms with it sooner than later, because it probably isn't going to change. Unless it is physically or emotionally harming your child, you really don't have much say in the matter. I think it is the hardest part of co-parenting.
3. Put your kids first - Take your emotions out of it as much as you can. Really it is about the kids and their needs. Studies have shown that kids love their parents no matter what they have done. Kids want and need their parents. Sometimes it is hard to remember, but I try to think what my kid(s) would want or need when it comes to my ex... rather than my comfort level. For example: if he wants to see my daughter for an hour during the week, if it is possible, I let it happen. Is it convenient? Does it throw us off schedule? Yes. BUT it shows my daughter that her dad is thinking about her and loves her. That is so important to our kids.
4. Pray Pray Pray - Pray for forgiveness, of you ex and yourself. Pray that you are wise and don't allow your hurt and anger to control your decisions. Pray for your attitude to be peaceful about your ex around your children. Pray for everything and every situation! God will help you through this. I have seen it in my own life.
All I know is that the sooner you are at peace with everything, the better your life will be. PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM AWARE THAT THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERY SITUATION! This blog is for those of us whose ex's are not seriously harming our children.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Treating Yourself
I am soooo busy. Way too busy. I work, I am involved in ministry, I have one very active child at home and three older kids. Sometimes I wonder how I even manage. Organization. That is what it is all about for me. But that isn't what I am talking about today, I wanted to share with you how I take time out for myself, treat myself to little things. It is so important to be healthy physically and emotionally when you are a single mom. It makes life so much easier.
I treat myself to coffee a couple of times a week. For me this is pure pleasure! It may sound dumb to some people, but when I take that first sip of my Non-fat, Decaf, White Chocolate Mocha with Whip I feel like I have gone to heaven. It is sooo good! It just starts my day off right. When I am tight on the funds I buy the cappachino from Aldi with whip cream and that is an amazing substitute! They only have it in the winter, which I think is the dumbest thing in the world, but I just bought out the store last month so I would have some through the summer! Ok, maybe I need to check into a coffee support group. Hey, I sleep alone, so something has to give me pleasure right? :) I deserve that.
Ok, that is one thing I do for myself. Another thing I am trying to do is make time to exercise. It clears my head and I feel good about myself when I do it. It is hard with a seven year old, and I work so i can't do it while she is in school. Sometimes I walk around the lake while she rides her bike. I just joined the YMCA and she loves going into the daycare there. It is important to make that time for yourself so you can be healthy. A healthy mom is a better mom!
I also make sure I am in tune with my body and emotions. I have to make sure I am doing well emotionally or I tend to take it out on my kids. I don't have the tolerance that I need when I am depressed, anxious or stressed. So I have to stay in touch with myself to make sure I take care of it before it gets worse. For example, I have triggers in my life that can take me down fast. I can get depressed about something and not even realize it until it is pretty bad. When I am depressed, I tend to watch a lot of TV to get my mind off things and just zone out. My little girl needs A LOT of attention. When she isn't getting attention from me, she is naughty. By her being naughty, it feeds my depression and wanting to get away. It just spirals downward. What I have to do is realize it is happening and make changes to go back up. Take her on a date, snuggle her, play with her. I also need to listen to Christian music, turn the TV off, do something productive and exercise and of course PRAY. Those all help me come out of my depression. I could choose to wallow in my depression for a long time, but that isn't good for my children or myself. So I take charge and fix it!
The last thing I want to share is that I go on a scrapbooking retreat every year. Don't ask me how I make this happen, because it is hard to get everything in place. I usually sign up right after the current years trip because I know that I need it. However, as the trip comes closer I start to stress out and wonder why I do this every year. Once I am there, it is complete bliss. I don't even scrap people! This last time I literally just talked the whole time! I needed that so bad. Talking with adults. It was so refreshing and just what I needed.
Sometimes I feel guilty for doing things for myself. What single mom has the finances, time or energy for that? It is definitely a decision for me to do these things, but I am a better mom because of them. And really isn't that what is important? What do you do for yourself?
I treat myself to coffee a couple of times a week. For me this is pure pleasure! It may sound dumb to some people, but when I take that first sip of my Non-fat, Decaf, White Chocolate Mocha with Whip I feel like I have gone to heaven. It is sooo good! It just starts my day off right. When I am tight on the funds I buy the cappachino from Aldi with whip cream and that is an amazing substitute! They only have it in the winter, which I think is the dumbest thing in the world, but I just bought out the store last month so I would have some through the summer! Ok, maybe I need to check into a coffee support group. Hey, I sleep alone, so something has to give me pleasure right? :) I deserve that.
Ok, that is one thing I do for myself. Another thing I am trying to do is make time to exercise. It clears my head and I feel good about myself when I do it. It is hard with a seven year old, and I work so i can't do it while she is in school. Sometimes I walk around the lake while she rides her bike. I just joined the YMCA and she loves going into the daycare there. It is important to make that time for yourself so you can be healthy. A healthy mom is a better mom!
I also make sure I am in tune with my body and emotions. I have to make sure I am doing well emotionally or I tend to take it out on my kids. I don't have the tolerance that I need when I am depressed, anxious or stressed. So I have to stay in touch with myself to make sure I take care of it before it gets worse. For example, I have triggers in my life that can take me down fast. I can get depressed about something and not even realize it until it is pretty bad. When I am depressed, I tend to watch a lot of TV to get my mind off things and just zone out. My little girl needs A LOT of attention. When she isn't getting attention from me, she is naughty. By her being naughty, it feeds my depression and wanting to get away. It just spirals downward. What I have to do is realize it is happening and make changes to go back up. Take her on a date, snuggle her, play with her. I also need to listen to Christian music, turn the TV off, do something productive and exercise and of course PRAY. Those all help me come out of my depression. I could choose to wallow in my depression for a long time, but that isn't good for my children or myself. So I take charge and fix it!
The last thing I want to share is that I go on a scrapbooking retreat every year. Don't ask me how I make this happen, because it is hard to get everything in place. I usually sign up right after the current years trip because I know that I need it. However, as the trip comes closer I start to stress out and wonder why I do this every year. Once I am there, it is complete bliss. I don't even scrap people! This last time I literally just talked the whole time! I needed that so bad. Talking with adults. It was so refreshing and just what I needed.
Sometimes I feel guilty for doing things for myself. What single mom has the finances, time or energy for that? It is definitely a decision for me to do these things, but I am a better mom because of them. And really isn't that what is important? What do you do for yourself?
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Dating as a Single Mom
This is a tough subject and you may not like what I have to say, but I do believe I am right on this...
The first thing we feel when we separate from our ex is lonely, despair, anger, sadness, regret, and so many other emotions I can't even begin to name them all. I am sure you have felt at least some of these if you have gone through a divorce. Our marriages were hard, and our lives were filled with holes because of some needs that were not being met. It is our nature to want to find something or someone to fill those holes/needs that have been growing inside us for years and years. I found myself longing for things that I did not receive from my ex, and if I hadn't used my wisdom, I could have gone down a terrible path with that.
It's a long story but shortly after my separation a man accidentally sent a text to the wrong number. Through that, we began a friendship and started talking on the phone. I was so excited. Someone was interested in me. He had even seen pictures of me and thought I was attractive. Feelings I hadn't felt in a very long time came over me. The problem? I knew he wasn't what I would want for me and especially for my children. The man was a rapper for crying out loud! I don't even like rap. We were from two completely different worlds. What was I thinking? Well, I was starving for some affection, for someone to be 'into' me, I wanted a man in my life.
I thank God that I was wise enough to end it before I made a bad mistake. I never met him, and for that I am so proud of myself. (He wanted to meet me) I will be honest.... one day my son said to me, "Mom, how come you talk to this guy past the curfew you allow us to talk?" I had a curfew of when my kids could talk to the opposite sex. MAN! That was a slap across the face for me! Remember old movies when someone was out of it and a person would slap them across the face and it would bring them back to reality? This was my slap in the face. What on earth was I doing? I had high expectations for my children, why didn't I for myself?
Well, now I do. Here are a few things I think are VERY important when considering dating:
The first thing we feel when we separate from our ex is lonely, despair, anger, sadness, regret, and so many other emotions I can't even begin to name them all. I am sure you have felt at least some of these if you have gone through a divorce. Our marriages were hard, and our lives were filled with holes because of some needs that were not being met. It is our nature to want to find something or someone to fill those holes/needs that have been growing inside us for years and years. I found myself longing for things that I did not receive from my ex, and if I hadn't used my wisdom, I could have gone down a terrible path with that.
It's a long story but shortly after my separation a man accidentally sent a text to the wrong number. Through that, we began a friendship and started talking on the phone. I was so excited. Someone was interested in me. He had even seen pictures of me and thought I was attractive. Feelings I hadn't felt in a very long time came over me. The problem? I knew he wasn't what I would want for me and especially for my children. The man was a rapper for crying out loud! I don't even like rap. We were from two completely different worlds. What was I thinking? Well, I was starving for some affection, for someone to be 'into' me, I wanted a man in my life.
I thank God that I was wise enough to end it before I made a bad mistake. I never met him, and for that I am so proud of myself. (He wanted to meet me) I will be honest.... one day my son said to me, "Mom, how come you talk to this guy past the curfew you allow us to talk?" I had a curfew of when my kids could talk to the opposite sex. MAN! That was a slap across the face for me! Remember old movies when someone was out of it and a person would slap them across the face and it would bring them back to reality? This was my slap in the face. What on earth was I doing? I had high expectations for my children, why didn't I for myself?
Well, now I do. Here are a few things I think are VERY important when considering dating:
- Are you healed from the wounds of your past relationship(s) - I mean really healed. We will never be happy we are divorced, but is there forgiveness there? Are you at a place where you can say, "My life is good right now"? You need to be happy and content with life, with your life before you can bring someone else into it. A man is not going to fulfill your longing to be happy, you need to find that within yourself - through God.
- Are you kids healed from the wounds of your divorce? This is a hard one, but so important. In my opinion no one has any business dating when their children are still going through devastation over the divorce. Now I know that our kids will never get over the fact that they are from a broken home, and in my caseI don't think my children will ever not have issues with their father, but are they ok with where I am at? Are they in a good place emotionally about the divorce? That is what I mean by that. We have to let them heal! I am shocked at how many people I know have started dating before their divorce is even final. What is that teaching our children? When we are divorced, our children now are first... not us. Think hard about what it will do to them and how they will feel about it.
- Are you in a place where your life is good and you don't NEED a man? You don't want to be out looking for a man to fill all the holes in your life. You want to find a partner to go through life with. What are you bringing to a man? What do you have to offer? Be in a place where you are confident in who you are and what you have to offer this man.
- Make a list of what you want in a man BEFORE you start dating. This is so important. Ladies, we have been in a bad marriage/relationship already. I, for one, don't ever want to be in another relationship with so much hurt and pain again. I would rather be alone. My list has things that my ex didn't have to offer, but it also has things that I want for my children. I want a good example for them.
Recently I joined a dating site. I have talked to a couple of men.... but what I realized right now is that I am happy and content with my life. I cancelled my subscription. God is in control of my life, when He thinks I am ready, He will show me the man He wants for me. That is the right way to live ladies!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Love my life
Can you say that? It is an interesting question. Because if you really think about it, this is not the life you would have chosen. What little girl aspires to be a single mom when they grow up? If they do they have no idea what it really means! This isn't what I wanted for my life. This isn't what I wanted for my children's life. BUT I can find a new happiness within this life. I refuse to be bitter and sulk for the rest of my life because this isn't what I want.
I am not going to lie, it has taken hard work physically and emotionally to get to a place where I can honestly say I am happy. I had to work through forgiveness with my ex, bitterness towards God, get rid of the guilt I had toward myself and trust in God to move past all this. I have been separated from my ex for six years now (divorce for 1 year) and this is the first year that I feel completely whole and happy again. Sometimes I just focus on the freedom I feel. The freedom of not being in a bad marriage and having to live with that day after day. Now I can focus on my kids and what mom out there doesn't love to do that?
I have also found things that make me happy to put in my life. I have found jobs that I like, which helps a lot. I wish I didn't have to work, I loved being an at home mom. But I do have to work, so I found jobs that work with my schedule (around my kids) and that I like. I have also gotten involved in things that I am passionate about. When you volunteer your time, you can't help but feel good about yourself. You are doing good for others, not just wallowing in your self pity. It feels so good.
The other thing I do is have many dates with my children. I play with them. It is hard because we are beyond busy now. But it is the most important thing I do. My children need uninterrupted time with me. No phone, Facebook, TV... just time with me. I love it and they love it. And it truly keeps my thoughts in perspective of what is important.
The last thing to think about, and the thing I could not be happy without is God. What God has done for me these last few years is enough to make me dance with joy. He has truly taken care of me in so many ways that I can't even tell you. When I think about what He has done for me, little ol' me, I am happy. I am happy that He thinks I am worth all that He is giving me. If God finds me worth all this, then I must be, right? I now look at myself through His eyes instead of through my ex's eyes, or even my own eyes. What a difference! He doesn't see all my mistakes. He sees me, for who I am through Him. What a blessing this is in my life!
I am truly happy. I hope you can find happiness too.
I am not going to lie, it has taken hard work physically and emotionally to get to a place where I can honestly say I am happy. I had to work through forgiveness with my ex, bitterness towards God, get rid of the guilt I had toward myself and trust in God to move past all this. I have been separated from my ex for six years now (divorce for 1 year) and this is the first year that I feel completely whole and happy again. Sometimes I just focus on the freedom I feel. The freedom of not being in a bad marriage and having to live with that day after day. Now I can focus on my kids and what mom out there doesn't love to do that?
I have also found things that make me happy to put in my life. I have found jobs that I like, which helps a lot. I wish I didn't have to work, I loved being an at home mom. But I do have to work, so I found jobs that work with my schedule (around my kids) and that I like. I have also gotten involved in things that I am passionate about. When you volunteer your time, you can't help but feel good about yourself. You are doing good for others, not just wallowing in your self pity. It feels so good.
The other thing I do is have many dates with my children. I play with them. It is hard because we are beyond busy now. But it is the most important thing I do. My children need uninterrupted time with me. No phone, Facebook, TV... just time with me. I love it and they love it. And it truly keeps my thoughts in perspective of what is important.
The last thing to think about, and the thing I could not be happy without is God. What God has done for me these last few years is enough to make me dance with joy. He has truly taken care of me in so many ways that I can't even tell you. When I think about what He has done for me, little ol' me, I am happy. I am happy that He thinks I am worth all that He is giving me. If God finds me worth all this, then I must be, right? I now look at myself through His eyes instead of through my ex's eyes, or even my own eyes. What a difference! He doesn't see all my mistakes. He sees me, for who I am through Him. What a blessing this is in my life!
I am truly happy. I hope you can find happiness too.
Monday, April 16, 2012
I Have a Super Power
I saw this today when I was looking for some images to use on my blog and I just had to post it on here! Isn't this the truth though? Most of the time I am so busy going through life that I forget to actually pat myself on the back for what a good job I am doing as a single mother. I will never be able to do everything I want, give everything I want to give to my children. But I know that I am doing the best I can with who I am. With that I can feel good about what I have accomplished. Sometimes, especially right now when I am involved in so many things, I look at myself and I can't believe what I am accomplishing. All while raising my child(ren) by myself. When I read this saying today... I totally laughed out loud! Being a single parent is a super power! I have super powers beyond anything I could have ever imagined! Not by myself though.... only through God. Now isn't THAT the truth?
Monday, April 9, 2012
DREAM - Word of the year 2012
My word this year is DREAM!
Every year I pick a word that represents what I want to accomplish that year in my life. I started this awhile back when my life was full of chaos and I needed to accomplish deep emotional healing in my life. So far my words have been:
(2009) Forgiveness - I needed to be freed from the anger I felt towards my ex, it consumed my life and I didn't want to live that way anymore.
(2010) Peace - This one went with the forgiveness year and a peace came with the forgiveness. However, I still had anxiety issues surrounding some things, and needed to be healed from that.
(2011) Whole - I needed to be whole again. To feel whole again. When a marriage breaks up, you are ripped in half and you need to heal those wounds in order to be whole again.
and now (2012) Dream - I am starting to dream again. Dream about what God has planned for me. Dream about being fulfilled. Dream about my future.
God is so faithful to me! Every year He shows me what my word needs to be. (As if I thought I had control over it!) I have learned that when I pick a word, or God picks a word for me, that it is not how I will feel that year. For example, when I picked peace as my word in 2010 I did not feel peace at all that whole year. As a matter of fact that year was filled with anxiety. However, through what happened that year, I was able to get peace in my life. (SO worth it!)
For me Dream means that I can start to have dreams again. For so many years I have forgotten how to dream. During my marriage I was holding on for dear life to keep our family together. When that broke up, I spent the next years trying to help everyone find happiness in our chaos. I just kept trying to fix everything to make everything better. Of course it isn't fixable... but I tried with everything I had. My family fell apart and it was all completely out of my control. I was depressed and just did what I needed to do each day.
Through forgiveness, finding peace and becoming whole again, I am now at a place where I am content with my life. I am happy, actually happy. I don't feel like I need anything. But I can dream for some things that I may want. I can dream about fulfilling God's call on my life. I can dream about having a future with a man some day. My dreams are endless. The point is that I finally feel like I can dream. How exciting is that?
I want to challenge each of you to find one dream and write it down. Put it in your dresser or some place special. It is ok to have dreams. Yes, our lives are consumed by our children and creating a safe environment for them, but we can have dreams too. God is showing me that this year. Ask Him to reveal a dream you may have inside you that you may not even realize is there. Share them with us.
Every year I pick a word that represents what I want to accomplish that year in my life. I started this awhile back when my life was full of chaos and I needed to accomplish deep emotional healing in my life. So far my words have been:
(2009) Forgiveness - I needed to be freed from the anger I felt towards my ex, it consumed my life and I didn't want to live that way anymore.
(2010) Peace - This one went with the forgiveness year and a peace came with the forgiveness. However, I still had anxiety issues surrounding some things, and needed to be healed from that.
(2011) Whole - I needed to be whole again. To feel whole again. When a marriage breaks up, you are ripped in half and you need to heal those wounds in order to be whole again.
and now (2012) Dream - I am starting to dream again. Dream about what God has planned for me. Dream about being fulfilled. Dream about my future.
God is so faithful to me! Every year He shows me what my word needs to be. (As if I thought I had control over it!) I have learned that when I pick a word, or God picks a word for me, that it is not how I will feel that year. For example, when I picked peace as my word in 2010 I did not feel peace at all that whole year. As a matter of fact that year was filled with anxiety. However, through what happened that year, I was able to get peace in my life. (SO worth it!)
For me Dream means that I can start to have dreams again. For so many years I have forgotten how to dream. During my marriage I was holding on for dear life to keep our family together. When that broke up, I spent the next years trying to help everyone find happiness in our chaos. I just kept trying to fix everything to make everything better. Of course it isn't fixable... but I tried with everything I had. My family fell apart and it was all completely out of my control. I was depressed and just did what I needed to do each day.
Through forgiveness, finding peace and becoming whole again, I am now at a place where I am content with my life. I am happy, actually happy. I don't feel like I need anything. But I can dream for some things that I may want. I can dream about fulfilling God's call on my life. I can dream about having a future with a man some day. My dreams are endless. The point is that I finally feel like I can dream. How exciting is that?
I want to challenge each of you to find one dream and write it down. Put it in your dresser or some place special. It is ok to have dreams. Yes, our lives are consumed by our children and creating a safe environment for them, but we can have dreams too. God is showing me that this year. Ask Him to reveal a dream you may have inside you that you may not even realize is there. Share them with us.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Being Organized is the Key
As a single mom I have had to learn how to cut corners in my 'duties' as the person who runs my house. For me, being organized is the key. I struggle all the time with keeping a clean house. I just can't seem to stay on top of it! I will be honest, I do not like cleaning at all. Organizing... I can do that all day long. It is therapy to me. Cleaning is a chore, a chore I have to make myself do. I have a system in place where I clean on Sundays, the day my ex has my little girl. I try to utilize that day to get ready for the whole week. I cook two meals, clean the house, get all Sabrina's bags ready (dance, school, etc...), get all my stuff ready for work, laundry, have lunch items ready, etc. When I do not do this, my week is much harder and more chaotic. I feel refreshed and ready to begin the week when all this stuff is ready Sunday night. When I am not able to accomplish this I usually feel anxious. So, it is important for me to do this.
We all need to find what parts of our life make us feel out of control, and what we can do to get control over that area. What single mom doesn't need to feel in control of at least something? We have all learned that we don't have control over much, so where can we get control to feel like we are accomplishing what we need to? For me it is being organized for my crazy week ahead. What is it for you? How do you make it work? I would love to hear from you.
A couple other tricks of mine:
- I have a folder/notebook for each of my kids, even the ones that are adults. The folder holds anything I need like school goals, chore charts, stickers, passport, etc... All my folders are in a bag in my kitchen. (I had to make it pretty!)
- I have a bag for every event/job we are involved in to keep things organized. One bag for dance, One bag for each of my jobs, One bag for my school books , One bag for visits with dad, One bag for church, etc...
- I have my daughters toys in bins that I keep in the basement. I bring up a few at a time in her room. It keeps the mess down. My daughter likes to play with everything at once, so this way we only are playing with Poly Pockets, Dolls and coloring at once. Easier to clean that than all of her toys. Plus when she gets tired of one toy, I switch it with another one and she is excited.
Share your ideas with me!
Paper Plates
You are all going to think I am crazy but I just discovered PAPER PLATES! I was brought up in a home where my mom set a table for every meal we ate. We always had place mats, a folded napkin, matching dishes and condiments in bowls not their bottles. So, I have always tried to live up to that model I was taught. I came to realize years ago that I am not my mom... not even close. Even when I was married I would put the food in the container I was going to store it in on the table when serving dinner. Why dirty more dishes right?
Dishes are my challenge, I always feel like I am doing dishes. Well a couple of weeks ago I decided to try paper plates. I thought I could just use them for breakfast and lunch. It was a hard decision for me, not only because of the way I was brought up but also because I am sensitive about taking care of our environment. But I had to try it and I am telling you this has changed my life! Ok, I am being a little dramatic, but seriously I can not believe what a load this has taken off my chores at home. I have even started using them for dinner and everything. Did you know if you buy the nicer ones, you can put them in the microwave? I always find them on sale, so spending $3 on paper plates that last a couple weeks, is totally worth it to me. AND by saving all the time not doing dishes, I am actually picking up a little more around the house.
I'm telling you ladies, it is the little things that make me so happy. Find the little things that can help you make life easier. Isn't that really what we need? Anything and everything that can make our lives easier? Maybe you can't change to paper plates, but what is something that you can find that can add a little more time in your life? Share your ideas with us!
Dishes are my challenge, I always feel like I am doing dishes. Well a couple of weeks ago I decided to try paper plates. I thought I could just use them for breakfast and lunch. It was a hard decision for me, not only because of the way I was brought up but also because I am sensitive about taking care of our environment. But I had to try it and I am telling you this has changed my life! Ok, I am being a little dramatic, but seriously I can not believe what a load this has taken off my chores at home. I have even started using them for dinner and everything. Did you know if you buy the nicer ones, you can put them in the microwave? I always find them on sale, so spending $3 on paper plates that last a couple weeks, is totally worth it to me. AND by saving all the time not doing dishes, I am actually picking up a little more around the house.
I'm telling you ladies, it is the little things that make me so happy. Find the little things that can help you make life easier. Isn't that really what we need? Anything and everything that can make our lives easier? Maybe you can't change to paper plates, but what is something that you can find that can add a little more time in your life? Share your ideas with us!
Forgiveness
Forgiveness. Forgiveness. Forgiveness.
When you have been betrayed by someone, the hardest thing is forgiving them. It takes God, time and determination, at least for me it does.
When my husband and I separated I was so angry I couldn't even think straight. I was devastated, hurt, confused, and mostly angry. I spent the first three years of my separation angry. My dad would tell me that he could see it in my being and that I needed to forgive my ex. I wanted to so bad, but I just couldn't get rid of the anger. I went to meetings, counseling, anything I could get my hands on to help me forgive him, but I just couldn't. I lost three years because I don't remember anything I was so angry. Three years of my kids lives. Three years I wasn't the mom I needed to be. Three years of nothing. I can never get those years back.
The Bible says that we have the right to be angry sometimes. It is a normal reaction. However, it is how we react to that anger that can be right or wrong. Reacting in a wrong way is sin. God can free us from anything, even the deep roots of our anger. I prayed that God would free me from the anger I felt. I didn't want to be this way and finally He showed me the way!
It is a long story,and everyone's story will be different, but one day I finally forgave my ex. I felt the blood of Jesus literally wash over me and cleanse my soul. I could literally feel the anger wash off of me. I felt so free... finally! I will be honest, it is a constant process for me. However the initial anger isn't there anymore. It is that initial anger that caused me not to even remember those first three years of my separation. Do I still feel anger? Of course. I feel anger when I watch my kids pain in all this. However, I am in a new place where I do not let that anger control me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThtGuKy27qk
Every year I pick a word to represent that year. I thoughtfully pray about what the word should be and I believe God lays it on my heart. The year I finally forgave my ex, my word was PEACE. I needed peace in my life, I hungered for it. Peace in my home, peace with my children, peace. I will tell you that I learned that year that just because I pick a word, does not mean the year will be that word, but rather about getting to that word. Does that make sense? In other words, that year was not peaceful for me at all. But, through the hard things that I went through that year, I was brought a peace that I had not felt in years. I would go through it all over again to feel the forgiveness and peace that I have now.
When you have been betrayed by someone, the hardest thing is forgiving them. It takes God, time and determination, at least for me it does.
When my husband and I separated I was so angry I couldn't even think straight. I was devastated, hurt, confused, and mostly angry. I spent the first three years of my separation angry. My dad would tell me that he could see it in my being and that I needed to forgive my ex. I wanted to so bad, but I just couldn't get rid of the anger. I went to meetings, counseling, anything I could get my hands on to help me forgive him, but I just couldn't. I lost three years because I don't remember anything I was so angry. Three years of my kids lives. Three years I wasn't the mom I needed to be. Three years of nothing. I can never get those years back.
The Bible says that we have the right to be angry sometimes. It is a normal reaction. However, it is how we react to that anger that can be right or wrong. Reacting in a wrong way is sin. God can free us from anything, even the deep roots of our anger. I prayed that God would free me from the anger I felt. I didn't want to be this way and finally He showed me the way!
It is a long story,and everyone's story will be different, but one day I finally forgave my ex. I felt the blood of Jesus literally wash over me and cleanse my soul. I could literally feel the anger wash off of me. I felt so free... finally! I will be honest, it is a constant process for me. However the initial anger isn't there anymore. It is that initial anger that caused me not to even remember those first three years of my separation. Do I still feel anger? Of course. I feel anger when I watch my kids pain in all this. However, I am in a new place where I do not let that anger control me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThtGuKy27qk
Every year I pick a word to represent that year. I thoughtfully pray about what the word should be and I believe God lays it on my heart. The year I finally forgave my ex, my word was PEACE. I needed peace in my life, I hungered for it. Peace in my home, peace with my children, peace. I will tell you that I learned that year that just because I pick a word, does not mean the year will be that word, but rather about getting to that word. Does that make sense? In other words, that year was not peaceful for me at all. But, through the hard things that I went through that year, I was brought a peace that I had not felt in years. I would go through it all over again to feel the forgiveness and peace that I have now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)