Treating Yourself

I am soooo busy.  Way too busy.  I work, I am involved in ministry, I have one very active child at home and three older kids.  Sometimes I wonder how I even manage.  Organization.  That is what it is all about for me.  But that isn't what I am talking about today, I wanted to share with you how I take time out for myself, treat myself to little things.  It is so important to be healthy physically and emotionally when you are a single mom.  It makes life so much easier.

I treat myself to coffee a couple of times a week. For me this is pure pleasure!  It may sound dumb to some people, but when I take that first sip of my Non-fat, Decaf, White Chocolate Mocha with Whip I feel like I have gone to heaven.  It is sooo good! It just starts my day off right.  When I am tight on the funds I buy the cappachino from Aldi with whip cream and that is an amazing substitute!  They only have it in the winter, which I think is the dumbest thing in the world, but I just bought out the store last month so I would have some through the summer!  Ok, maybe I need to check into a coffee support group. Hey, I sleep alone, so something has to give me pleasure right? :)  I deserve that.

Ok, that is one thing I do for myself.  Another thing I am trying to do is make time to exercise.  It clears my head and I feel good about myself when I do it.  It is hard with a seven year old, and I work so i can't do it while she is in school.  Sometimes I walk around the lake while she rides her bike.  I just joined the YMCA and she loves going into the daycare there.  It is important to make that time for yourself so you can be healthy. A healthy mom is a better mom!

I also make sure I am in tune with my body and emotions.  I have to make sure I am doing well emotionally or I tend to take it out on my kids.  I don't have the tolerance that I need when I am depressed, anxious or stressed.  So I have to stay in touch with myself to make sure I take care of it before it gets worse.  For example, I have triggers in my life that can take me down fast.  I can get depressed about something and not even realize it until it is pretty bad.  When I am depressed, I tend to watch a lot of TV to get my mind off things and just zone out. My little girl needs A LOT of attention. When she isn't getting attention from me, she is naughty.  By her being naughty, it feeds my depression and wanting to get away.  It just spirals downward.  What I have to do is realize it is happening and make changes to go back up.  Take her on a date, snuggle her, play with her.  I also need to listen to Christian music, turn the TV off, do something productive and exercise and of course PRAY.  Those all help me come out of my depression. I could choose to wallow in my depression for a long time, but that isn't good for my children or myself.  So I take charge and fix it!

The last thing I want to share is that I go on a scrapbooking retreat every year.  Don't ask me how I make this happen, because it is hard to get everything in place.  I usually sign up right after the current years trip because I know that I need it.  However, as the trip comes closer I start to stress out and wonder why I do this every year.  Once I am there, it is complete bliss.  I don't even scrap people!  This last time I literally just talked the whole time!  I needed that so bad.  Talking with adults.  It was so refreshing and just what I needed.

Sometimes I feel guilty for doing things for myself.  What single mom has the finances, time or energy for that?  It is definitely a decision for me to do these things, but I am a better mom because of them.  And really isn't that what is important?  What do you do for yourself?

Dating as a Single Mom

This is a tough subject and you may not like what I have to say, but I do believe I am right on this...

The first thing we feel when we separate from our ex is lonely, despair, anger, sadness, regret, and so many other emotions I can't even begin to name them all.  I am sure you have felt at least some of these if you have gone through a divorce.  Our marriages were hard, and our lives were filled with holes because of some needs that were not being met.  It is our nature to want to find something or someone to fill those holes/needs that have been growing inside us for years and years.  I found myself longing for things that I did not receive from my ex, and if I hadn't used my wisdom, I could have gone down a terrible path with that.

It's a long story but shortly after my separation a man accidentally sent a text to the wrong number.  Through that, we began a friendship and started talking on the phone.  I was so excited.  Someone was interested in me.  He had even seen pictures of me and thought I was attractive.  Feelings I hadn't felt in a very long time came over me.  The problem?  I knew he wasn't what I would want for me and especially for my children. The man was a rapper for crying out loud!  I don't even like rap.  We were from two completely different worlds.  What was I thinking?  Well, I was starving for some affection, for someone to be 'into' me, I wanted a man in my life.

I thank God that I was wise enough to end it before I made a bad mistake.  I never met him, and for that I am so proud of myself.  (He wanted to meet me)  I will be honest.... one day my son said to me, "Mom, how come you talk to this guy past the curfew you allow us to talk?"  I had a curfew of when my kids could talk to the opposite sex.  MAN!  That was a slap across the face for me!  Remember old movies when someone was out of it and a person would slap them across the face and it would bring them back to reality?  This was my slap in the face.  What on earth was I doing?  I had high expectations for my children, why didn't I for myself?

Well, now I do.  Here are a few things I think are VERY important when considering dating:

1. Are you healed from the wounds of your past relationship(s) - I mean really healed.  We will never be happy we are divorced, but is there forgiveness there?  Are you at a place where you can say, "My life is good right now"? You need to be happy and content with life, with your life before you can bring someone else into it.  A man is not going to fulfill your longing to be happy, you need to find that within yourself - through God.
   
2. Are you kids healed from the wounds of your divorce?  This is a hard one, but so important.  In my opinion no one has any business dating when their children are still going through devastation over the divorce.  Now I know that our kids will never get over the fact that they are from a broken home, and in my caseI don't think my children will ever not have issues with their father, but are they ok with where I am at?  Are they in a good place emotionally about the divorce?  That is what I mean by that.  We have to let them heal!  I am shocked at how many people I know have started dating before their divorce is even final.  What is that teaching our children?  When we are divorced, our children now are first... not us. Think hard about what it will do to them and how they will feel about it.
   
3. Are you in a place where your life is good and you don't NEED a man?  You don't want to be out looking for a man to fill all the holes in your life.  You want to find a partner to go through life with.  What are you bringing to a man?  What do you have to offer?  Be in a place where you are confident in who you are and what you have to offer this man.
   
4. Make a list of what you want in a man BEFORE you start dating.  This is so important.  Ladies, we have been in a bad marriage/relationship already.  I, for one, don't ever want to be in another relationship with so much hurt and pain again.  I would rather be alone.  My list has things that my ex didn't have to offer, but it also has things that I want for my children.  I want a good example for them.

Recently I joined a dating site.  I have talked to a couple of men.... but what I realized right now is that I am happy and content with my life. I cancelled my subscription.  God is in control of my life, when He thinks I am ready, He will show me the man He wants for me.  That is the right way to live ladies!

Love my life

Can you say that?  It is an interesting question.  Because if you really think about it, this is not the life you would have chosen.  What little girl aspires to be a single mom when they grow up?  If they do they have no idea what it really means!  This isn't what I wanted for my life.  This isn't what I wanted for my children's life.  BUT I can find a new happiness within this life.  I refuse to be bitter and sulk for the rest of my life because this isn't what I want.

I am not going to lie, it has taken hard work physically and emotionally to get to a place where I can honestly say I am happy.  I had to work through forgiveness with my ex, bitterness towards God, get rid of the guilt I had toward myself and trust in God to move past all this.  I have been separated from my ex for six years now (divorce for 1 year) and this is the first year that I feel completely whole and happy again.  Sometimes I just focus on the freedom I feel.  The freedom of not being in a bad marriage and having to live with that day after day.  Now I can focus on my kids and what mom out there doesn't love to do that?

I have also found things that make me happy to put in my life.  I have found jobs that I like, which helps a lot.  I wish I didn't have to work, I loved being an at home mom.  But I do have to work, so I found jobs that work with my schedule (around my kids) and that I like.  I have also gotten involved in things that I am passionate about.  When you volunteer your time, you can't help but feel good about yourself.  You are doing good for others, not just wallowing in your self pity.  It feels so good.

The other thing I do is have many dates with my children.  I play with them.  It is hard because we are beyond busy now.  But it is the most important thing I do.  My children need uninterrupted time with me.  No phone, Facebook, TV... just time with me.  I love it and they love it.  And it truly keeps my thoughts in perspective of what is important.

The last thing to think about, and the thing I could not be happy without is God.  What God has done for me these last few years is enough to make me dance with joy.  He has truly taken care of me in so many ways that I can't even tell you.  When I think about what He has done for me, little ol' me, I am happy.  I am happy that He thinks I am worth all that He is giving me.  If God finds me worth all this, then I must be, right?  I now look at myself through His eyes instead of through my ex's eyes, or even my own eyes.  What a difference!  He doesn't see all my mistakes.  He sees me, for who I am through Him.  What a blessing this is in my life!

I am truly happy. I hope you can find happiness too.

I Have a Super Power

I saw this today when I was looking for some images to use on my blog and I just had to post it on here!  Isn't this the truth though?  Most of the time I am so busy going through life that I forget to actually pat myself on the back for what a good job I am doing as a single mother.  I will never be able to do everything I want, give everything I want to give to my children.  But I know that I am doing the best I can with who I am.  With that I can feel good about what I have accomplished.  Sometimes, especially right now when I am involved in so many things, I look at myself and I can't believe what I am accomplishing.  All while raising my child(ren) by myself.  When I read this saying today... I totally laughed out loud!  Being a single parent is a super power!  I have super powers beyond anything I could have ever imagined!  Not by myself though.... only through God.  Now isn't THAT the truth?

DREAM - Word of the year 2012

My word this year is DREAM!

Every year I pick a word that represents what I want to accomplish that year in my life.  I started this awhile back when my life was full of chaos and I needed to accomplish deep emotional healing in my life.  So far my words have been:

(2009) Forgiveness - I needed to be freed from the anger I felt towards my ex, it consumed my life and I didn't want to live that way anymore.

(2010) Peace - This one went with the forgiveness year and a peace came with the forgiveness.  However, I still had anxiety issues surrounding some things, and needed to be healed from that.

(2011) Whole - I needed to be whole again.  To feel whole again.  When a marriage breaks up, you are ripped in half and you need to heal those wounds in order to be whole again.

and now (2012) Dream - I am starting to dream again.  Dream about what God has planned for me.  Dream about being fulfilled.  Dream about my future.

God is so faithful to me!  Every year He shows me what my word needs to be.  (As if I thought I had control over it!)  I have learned that when I pick a word, or God picks a word for me, that it is not how I will feel that year.  For example, when I picked peace as my word in 2010 I did not feel peace at all that whole year.  As a matter of fact that year was filled with anxiety.  However, through what happened that year, I was able to get peace in my life. (SO worth it!)

For me Dream means that I can start to have dreams again.  For so many years I have forgotten how to dream.  During my marriage I was holding on for dear life to keep our family together.  When that broke up, I spent the next years trying to help everyone find happiness in our chaos.  I just kept trying to fix everything to make everything better.  Of course it isn't fixable... but I tried with everything I had.  My family fell apart and it was all completely out of my control.  I was depressed and just did what I needed to do each day.

Through forgiveness, finding peace and becoming whole again, I am now at a place where I am content with my life.  I am happy, actually happy.  I don't feel like I need anything.  But I can dream for some things that I may want.  I can dream about fulfilling God's call on my life.  I can dream about having a future with a man some day.  My dreams are endless.  The point is that I finally feel like I can dream.  How exciting is that?

I want to challenge each of you to find one dream and write it down.  Put it in your dresser or some place special.  It is ok to have dreams.  Yes, our lives are consumed by our children and creating a safe environment for them, but we can have dreams too.  God is showing me that this year.  Ask Him to reveal a dream you may have inside you that you may not even realize is there.  Share them with us.