Ugh... my ex!

Why is it that our ex's can bring us to a place in ourselves we never knew we had in us?  I think it is because we used to love and trust them.  We had true deep feelings for this person.  Even if they aren't an 'ex', you were intimate with them and that is a special bond created by God.  So we have this bond with someone and now they aren't who we thought anymore.  Either they have changed, or we finally realized this is the way they are and couldn't live that way anymore.  Either way, it is devastating.

I think one reason our ex's get under our skin so much is because we let them.  My life with my ex has been an emotional rollercoaster.  I truly loved that man and we had great times together.  He has some struggles in his life that he just can't seem to get past.  All throughout our marriage, actually even before our marriage, I believed in the good man he wanted to be.  So we would go through a cycle where I was his cheerleader to be that man, then another bad decision would bring us back down.  Over and over again for years.  I love this quote from the movie The Holiday, it sums it up completely... Iris and Miles were talking about why they stay with people that aren't good for them. "Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you." 

I still find myself getting depressed some times over choices my ex makes.  Is it because I still have hope?  Is it because it brings back painful memories?  I actually don't know.  I do know that I refuse to let my emotions about my ex control my life anymore, so as soon as I notice it, I change what I am doing and get back on my feet.

My point in telling you this is that I have had to come to a place where I accept him for who he is.  I can not take those decisions personally anymore.  If you think about it, isn't that what we are doing a lot of the time? With most of us, our ex's decisions are not just to tick us off, it is who they are. The sooner you can accept that, the more peace you will feel when they make those decisions.

Think about what it is exactly that bothers you so much.  What is it that really gets you mad?  Then process those feelings.  What is it about that situation that makes you mad?  What expectations did you have?  Obviously they weren't met, but why did you have those expectations?  Have they proven before that this might have happened again?

Here are some ideas that I have implemented in my life that have helped me:

1.  Don't expect anything.  I do not plan on anything, even the visits.  Sometimes my ex gets sick and can't take her, or his car breaks down.  I have to have a alternate plan in case it doesn't work out.  So, even when I make plans for that day, in the back of my head I know it may not happen or I have other options.  That way when he does call and cancel, I am not upset and it doesn't have to ruin my day or even week.

2.  Don't try to control them or the situation - If you couldn't control and/or change them when you were with them, what makes you think you can now?  I have learned that being on the same 'team' has helped out tremendously!  In other words, rather than attack my ex about what he is doing wrong, we have a conversation about our children and what we need to do to help a situation.  In our discussion I bring up thing I need to work on too.  We aren't perfect, so let's not act like we are when reprimanding our ex's.  Look, the two of you aren't going to parent the same way or make the same decisions.  You might as well come to terms with it sooner than later, because it probably isn't going to change.  Unless it is physically or emotionally harming your child, you really don't have much say in the matter.  I think it is the hardest part of co-parenting.

3.  Put your kids first - Take your emotions out of it as much as you can.  Really it is about the kids and their needs.  Studies have shown that kids love their parents no matter what they have done.  Kids want and need their parents.  Sometimes it is hard to remember, but I try to think what my kid(s) would want or need when it comes to my ex...  rather than my comfort level.  For example: if he wants to see my daughter for an hour during the week, if it is possible, I let it happen.  Is it convenient?  Does it throw us off schedule? Yes.  BUT it shows my daughter that her dad is thinking about her and loves her.  That is so important to our kids.

4.  Pray Pray Pray - Pray for forgiveness, of you ex and yourself.  Pray that you are wise and don't allow your hurt and anger to control your decisions.  Pray for your attitude to be peaceful about your ex around your children.  Pray for everything and every situation!  God will help you through this.  I have seen it in my own life.

All I know is that the sooner you are at peace with everything, the better your life will be.  PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM AWARE THAT THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERY SITUATION!  This blog is for those of us whose ex's are not seriously harming our children.