Forgiveness

Forgiveness.  Forgiveness.  Forgiveness.
When you have been betrayed by someone, the hardest thing is forgiving them.  It takes God, time and determination, at least for me it does.

When my husband and I separated I was so angry I couldn't even think straight.  I was devastated, hurt, confused, and mostly angry.  I spent the first three years of my separation angry.  My dad would tell me that he could see it in my being and that I needed to forgive my ex.  I wanted to so bad, but I just couldn't get rid of the anger.  I went to meetings, counseling, anything I could get my hands on to help me forgive him, but I just couldn't. I lost three years because I don't remember anything I was so angry. Three years of my kids lives.  Three years I wasn't the mom I needed to be.  Three years of nothing. I can never get those years back.

The Bible says that we have the right to be angry sometimes.  It is a normal reaction.  However, it is how we react to that anger that can be right or wrong.  Reacting in a wrong way is sin.  God can free us from anything, even the deep roots of our anger.  I prayed that God would free me from the anger I felt.  I didn't want to be this way and finally He showed me the way!

It is a long story,and everyone's story will be different,  but one day I finally forgave my ex.  I felt the blood of Jesus literally wash over me and cleanse my soul.  I could literally feel the anger wash off of me.  I felt so free... finally! I will be honest, it is a constant process for me.  However the initial anger isn't there anymore.  It is that initial anger that caused me not to even remember those first three years of my separation.  Do I still feel anger? Of course.  I feel anger when I watch my kids pain in all this.  However, I am in a new place where I do not let that anger control me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThtGuKy27qk

Every year I pick a word to represent that year.  I thoughtfully pray about what the word should be and I believe God lays it on my heart.  The year I finally forgave my ex, my word was PEACE.  I needed peace in my life, I hungered for it.  Peace in my home, peace with my children, peace.  I will tell you that I learned that year that just because I pick a word, does not mean the year will be that word, but rather about getting to that word.  Does that make sense?  In other words, that year was not peaceful for me at all.  But, through the hard things that I went through that year, I was brought a peace that I had not felt in years.  I would go through it all over again to feel the forgiveness and peace that I have now.