When my ex and I first separated, I lost several friends. It was heartbreaking. Some of it was me. I pulled away because I felt so alone, like people didn't understand where I was. Being a Christian especially can be very hard because other Christians don't necessarily support people when they separate, no matter what the reason. The loneliest feeling is feeling like you are all alone and no one understands what you are going through.
I think sometimes people don't know what to say, or they are afraid if they 'get' what is going on it could happen to them (I actually had a friend tell me that), or they are so stuck in their right vs. wrong mentality that they can't see what the actual situation is. You can't blame them for that really... I would have been like that possibly if I hadn't been through my divorce. I don't know if I would have understood one of my friends going through that before.
I was so lonely and so depressed. I felt like I had lost everything. My ex's friends would gather around him, take him to dinner and a movie. My girlfriends couldn't 'deal' with it, so they didn't know how to talk to me. I went online and found a DivorceCare group. Best decision I could have ever made! I wasn't even sure we were going to get divorced at the time, but I needed other people around me who understood what I was going through.
Within the first couple of weeks I met a woman who was going through similar things I was. We connected and I knew God gave me a new friend. Soon after we made other friends too. Oh my God blessed me! These ladies were able to stand by me and help me through one of the most difficult times in my life! No one ever pushed me to divorce my ex, they would all call me on things that I did that I needed to work on, they let me be angry, but gently told me it wasn't a good place to be and they supported me when I tried to reconcile and then when I finally chose divorce.
Those are good friends! Any time you are going through something that makes you feel alone, you need to find at least one other person who understands or gets what you are feeling. Pray that God puts someone in your life. I did and Donna was placed in that group next to me on a specific day. We connected about our kids, but our situations were similar. She later reconciled with her husband and I later divorced mine. But that isn't what our friendship was about. It was about healing, working through our pain, listening to God and being there for each other.
My group of friends is still so important to me. We have all moved past the 'going through a divorce' stage of our lives. A couple of them are remarried, or reconciled with their ex's, a couple of us are still single, but we are all in a better place. We made it this far because we had each other.
I hope that anyone reading this can find a friend or friends to go through their hard times with. It makes such a difference!
I would like to dedicate this post to my wonderful friends Donna, Dana, Faye, Rachel and Semina.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
God!
I am beyond excited for what God is doing for Single Moms here is Minnesota right now! I can hardly stand it! Two to three years ago, God called me back to my 'home' church. I hadn't gone there regularly for ten years. I was so comfortable in the church I was in. They had an amazing single moms group and I loved being with all of them. I was so frustrated because I knew my old church was a family church. "Really God? Why are you making me go back to a church where there are no single parents? No divorces? Just families? I will never fit in!" I fought God for probably six months but finally gave in.
It was so obvious to me that we were in the right place. My kids were flourishing! I thanked God because that was what was important. I would sacrifice my comfort for them... but I felt forgotten by God, but knew that this is what was right.
In these past two years, God has given me friendships that I never knew I would have. Friendships with married women! Plus, God was laying on the heart of two of our pastors to start supporting single moms. Now I am the leader of a single moms group and we have 20 ladies (and one man)!
I am so blessed! By following God's plan for my life, by actually listening to him... He has taken care of everything. Everything I was losing from my other church, He has fulfilled and then some. Not only that, but we sometimes partner with my other church, so I still get to see my friends and experience their love for single moms! God is so good!
It was so obvious to me that we were in the right place. My kids were flourishing! I thanked God because that was what was important. I would sacrifice my comfort for them... but I felt forgotten by God, but knew that this is what was right.
In these past two years, God has given me friendships that I never knew I would have. Friendships with married women! Plus, God was laying on the heart of two of our pastors to start supporting single moms. Now I am the leader of a single moms group and we have 20 ladies (and one man)!
I am so blessed! By following God's plan for my life, by actually listening to him... He has taken care of everything. Everything I was losing from my other church, He has fulfilled and then some. Not only that, but we sometimes partner with my other church, so I still get to see my friends and experience their love for single moms! God is so good!
Ugh... my ex!
Why is it that our ex's can bring us to a place in ourselves we never knew we had in us? I think it is because we used to love and trust them. We had true deep feelings for this person. Even if they aren't an 'ex', you were intimate with them and that is a special bond created by God. So we have this bond with someone and now they aren't who we thought anymore. Either they have changed, or we finally realized this is the way they are and couldn't live that way anymore. Either way, it is devastating.
I think one reason our ex's get under our skin so much is because we let them. My life with my ex has been an emotional rollercoaster. I truly loved that man and we had great times together. He has some struggles in his life that he just can't seem to get past. All throughout our marriage, actually even before our marriage, I believed in the good man he wanted to be. So we would go through a cycle where I was his cheerleader to be that man, then another bad decision would bring us back down. Over and over again for years. I love this quote from the movie The Holiday, it sums it up completely... Iris and Miles were talking about why they stay with people that aren't good for them. "Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you."
I still find myself getting depressed some times over choices my ex makes. Is it because I still have hope? Is it because it brings back painful memories? I actually don't know. I do know that I refuse to let my emotions about my ex control my life anymore, so as soon as I notice it, I change what I am doing and get back on my feet.
My point in telling you this is that I have had to come to a place where I accept him for who he is. I can not take those decisions personally anymore. If you think about it, isn't that what we are doing a lot of the time? With most of us, our ex's decisions are not just to tick us off, it is who they are. The sooner you can accept that, the more peace you will feel when they make those decisions.
Think about what it is exactly that bothers you so much. What is it that really gets you mad? Then process those feelings. What is it about that situation that makes you mad? What expectations did you have? Obviously they weren't met, but why did you have those expectations? Have they proven before that this might have happened again?
Here are some ideas that I have implemented in my life that have helped me:
1. Don't expect anything. I do not plan on anything, even the visits. Sometimes my ex gets sick and can't take her, or his car breaks down. I have to have a alternate plan in case it doesn't work out. So, even when I make plans for that day, in the back of my head I know it may not happen or I have other options. That way when he does call and cancel, I am not upset and it doesn't have to ruin my day or even week.
2. Don't try to control them or the situation - If you couldn't control and/or change them when you were with them, what makes you think you can now? I have learned that being on the same 'team' has helped out tremendously! In other words, rather than attack my ex about what he is doing wrong, we have a conversation about our children and what we need to do to help a situation. In our discussion I bring up thing I need to work on too. We aren't perfect, so let's not act like we are when reprimanding our ex's. Look, the two of you aren't going to parent the same way or make the same decisions. You might as well come to terms with it sooner than later, because it probably isn't going to change. Unless it is physically or emotionally harming your child, you really don't have much say in the matter. I think it is the hardest part of co-parenting.
3. Put your kids first - Take your emotions out of it as much as you can. Really it is about the kids and their needs. Studies have shown that kids love their parents no matter what they have done. Kids want and need their parents. Sometimes it is hard to remember, but I try to think what my kid(s) would want or need when it comes to my ex... rather than my comfort level. For example: if he wants to see my daughter for an hour during the week, if it is possible, I let it happen. Is it convenient? Does it throw us off schedule? Yes. BUT it shows my daughter that her dad is thinking about her and loves her. That is so important to our kids.
4. Pray Pray Pray - Pray for forgiveness, of you ex and yourself. Pray that you are wise and don't allow your hurt and anger to control your decisions. Pray for your attitude to be peaceful about your ex around your children. Pray for everything and every situation! God will help you through this. I have seen it in my own life.
All I know is that the sooner you are at peace with everything, the better your life will be. PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM AWARE THAT THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERY SITUATION! This blog is for those of us whose ex's are not seriously harming our children.
I think one reason our ex's get under our skin so much is because we let them. My life with my ex has been an emotional rollercoaster. I truly loved that man and we had great times together. He has some struggles in his life that he just can't seem to get past. All throughout our marriage, actually even before our marriage, I believed in the good man he wanted to be. So we would go through a cycle where I was his cheerleader to be that man, then another bad decision would bring us back down. Over and over again for years. I love this quote from the movie The Holiday, it sums it up completely... Iris and Miles were talking about why they stay with people that aren't good for them. "Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you."
I still find myself getting depressed some times over choices my ex makes. Is it because I still have hope? Is it because it brings back painful memories? I actually don't know. I do know that I refuse to let my emotions about my ex control my life anymore, so as soon as I notice it, I change what I am doing and get back on my feet.
My point in telling you this is that I have had to come to a place where I accept him for who he is. I can not take those decisions personally anymore. If you think about it, isn't that what we are doing a lot of the time? With most of us, our ex's decisions are not just to tick us off, it is who they are. The sooner you can accept that, the more peace you will feel when they make those decisions.
Think about what it is exactly that bothers you so much. What is it that really gets you mad? Then process those feelings. What is it about that situation that makes you mad? What expectations did you have? Obviously they weren't met, but why did you have those expectations? Have they proven before that this might have happened again?
Here are some ideas that I have implemented in my life that have helped me:
1. Don't expect anything. I do not plan on anything, even the visits. Sometimes my ex gets sick and can't take her, or his car breaks down. I have to have a alternate plan in case it doesn't work out. So, even when I make plans for that day, in the back of my head I know it may not happen or I have other options. That way when he does call and cancel, I am not upset and it doesn't have to ruin my day or even week.
2. Don't try to control them or the situation - If you couldn't control and/or change them when you were with them, what makes you think you can now? I have learned that being on the same 'team' has helped out tremendously! In other words, rather than attack my ex about what he is doing wrong, we have a conversation about our children and what we need to do to help a situation. In our discussion I bring up thing I need to work on too. We aren't perfect, so let's not act like we are when reprimanding our ex's. Look, the two of you aren't going to parent the same way or make the same decisions. You might as well come to terms with it sooner than later, because it probably isn't going to change. Unless it is physically or emotionally harming your child, you really don't have much say in the matter. I think it is the hardest part of co-parenting.
3. Put your kids first - Take your emotions out of it as much as you can. Really it is about the kids and their needs. Studies have shown that kids love their parents no matter what they have done. Kids want and need their parents. Sometimes it is hard to remember, but I try to think what my kid(s) would want or need when it comes to my ex... rather than my comfort level. For example: if he wants to see my daughter for an hour during the week, if it is possible, I let it happen. Is it convenient? Does it throw us off schedule? Yes. BUT it shows my daughter that her dad is thinking about her and loves her. That is so important to our kids.
4. Pray Pray Pray - Pray for forgiveness, of you ex and yourself. Pray that you are wise and don't allow your hurt and anger to control your decisions. Pray for your attitude to be peaceful about your ex around your children. Pray for everything and every situation! God will help you through this. I have seen it in my own life.
All I know is that the sooner you are at peace with everything, the better your life will be. PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM AWARE THAT THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERY SITUATION! This blog is for those of us whose ex's are not seriously harming our children.
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