Changing My Attitude

So many amazing things have happened in the last few month.  God has been so present and real to me and others, it has been just what I needed to see His strength.  So why am I in such a funk now?  I struggle with just feeling so depressed.  I think some of it has to do with being burnt out (I did just go over seas, help plan a retreat for 200 women, left my girl for 2 weeks and graduated from school with my AA degree)  I guess I had a lot on my plate!!!

However, I think more than that, I am just really sad and a little bitter right now.  I am working almost full time, my daughter is in daycare four days a week and I have little money to do the things I wish I could do with her.  I have rearranged my work schedule so that I can work while my daughter's dad has her on Sundays, which is great except I have lost all my time that I have to myself to prepare for the week.  I see on Facebook that other moms are going to the beach, park, zoo and pool with their children and it breaks my heart.  I want to do that.  My whole like I have wanted to be a mom and enjoy my children.  And up to this point I have!  I loved being home and taking care of them, playing with them, watching them grow.  It was what I was called to do. 

I never in a million years would have thought that I would be working and putting my seven year old in daycare four days a week.  I have to be honest... I hate it.  It has knocked me off my feet this summer. 

So how do I move past this?  If I stay in this funk I am going to ruin my summer and my kids summer.

The last two weeks have been great sermons at our church.  I love the summer sermons because we have different speakers every week and they talk about 'The One Thing' they would like to tell us.  Last week was Ryan Skoog and he shared about being happy.  Why aren't we happy?  We are going to live in eternity!  Jesus is in our hearts!  We should be Joyful not complaining!  Yesterday Tom Truszinski spoke on living with Godliness and contentment.  Both taught how we need to be thankful for what God has done.  Focus on the positives, not the negatives.  (You can hear both of these on Cedar Valley's website: www.cvchurch.org)

So this is my focus this week:

1. I am more that thankful/grateful that Sabrina has the best daycare worker in the world.  A woman who truly loves her and appreciates her personality. 
2. I am thankful for two jobs that are flexible and understand that my children are my first priority.  I can call in if my kids need me without feeling guilty.
3. I am thankful God has blessed me to work jobs that can pay my bills.  He has always taken care of me financially... even when I don't know how we are going to make it.
4. I am thankful for finding an amazing house to rent where my landlord does my yard work!
5. I am thankful that I have kids that I love and that love me too.  (Happy Family)
6. I am thankful that I can afford a pool pass so I can do my favorite thing - swim.

If you think about it, please pray for me in the upcoming weeks....  I am determined to not let this get me down any further.  I think it shows that there are definitely ups and downs to being a single mom.  We have to acknowledge our disappointments and let ourselves feel our pain because it is REAL, but we do NOT have to live in that pain.  We can pray to a God who will help us remember what we have to be grateful for and we can live in that!  Praise God!

Friendships

When my ex and I first separated, I lost several friends.  It was heartbreaking.  Some of it was me.  I pulled away because I felt so alone, like people didn't understand where I was.  Being a Christian especially can be very hard because other Christians don't necessarily support people when they separate, no matter what the reason. The loneliest feeling is feeling like you are all alone and no one understands what you are going through.

I think sometimes people don't know what to say, or they are afraid if they 'get' what is going on it could happen to them (I actually had a friend tell me that), or they are so stuck in their right vs. wrong mentality that they can't see what the actual situation is.  You can't blame them for that really... I would have been like that possibly if I hadn't been through my divorce.  I don't know if I would have understood one of my friends going through that before.

I was so lonely and so depressed.  I felt like I had lost everything.  My ex's friends would gather around him, take him to dinner and a movie.  My girlfriends couldn't 'deal' with it, so they didn't know how to talk to me.  I went online and found a DivorceCare group.  Best decision I could have ever made!  I wasn't even sure we were going to get divorced at the time, but I needed other people around me who understood what I was going through.

Within the first couple of weeks I met a woman who was going through similar things I was.  We connected and I knew God gave me a new friend.  Soon after we made other friends too.  Oh my God blessed me!  These ladies were able to stand by me and help me through one of the most difficult times in my life!  No one ever pushed me to divorce my ex, they would all call me on things that I did that I needed to work on, they let me be angry, but gently told me it wasn't a good place to be and they supported me when I tried to reconcile and then when I finally chose divorce.

Those are good friends!  Any time you are going through something that makes you feel alone, you need to find at least one other person who understands or gets what you are feeling.  Pray that God puts someone in your life. I did and Donna was placed in that group next to me on a specific day.  We connected about our kids, but our situations were similar.  She later reconciled with her husband and I later divorced mine.  But that isn't what our friendship was about.  It was about healing, working through our pain, listening to God and being there for each other.

My group of friends is still so important to me.  We have all moved past the 'going through a divorce' stage of our lives.  A couple of them are remarried, or reconciled with their ex's, a couple of us are still single, but we are all in a better place.  We made it this far because we had each other.

I hope that anyone reading this can find a friend or friends to go through their hard times with.  It makes such a difference!

I would like to dedicate this post to my wonderful friends Donna, Dana, Faye, Rachel and Semina.

God!

I am beyond excited for what God is doing for Single Moms here is Minnesota right now!  I can hardly stand it!  Two to three years ago, God called me back to my 'home' church.  I hadn't gone there regularly for ten years.  I was so comfortable in the church I was in.  They had an amazing single moms group and I loved being with all of them. I was so frustrated because I knew my old church was a family church.  "Really God?  Why are you making me go back to a church where there are no single parents?  No divorces? Just families?  I will never fit in!"  I fought God for probably six months but finally gave in.

It was so obvious to me that we were in the right place.  My kids were flourishing!  I thanked God because that was what was important.  I would sacrifice my comfort for them... but I felt forgotten by God, but knew that this is what was right.

In these past two years, God has given me friendships that I never knew I would have.  Friendships with married women!  Plus, God was laying on the heart of two of our pastors to start supporting single moms.  Now I am the leader of a single moms group and we have 20 ladies (and one man)!

I am so blessed!  By following God's plan for my life, by actually listening to him... He has taken care of everything.  Everything I was losing from my other church, He has fulfilled and then some.  Not only that, but we sometimes partner with my other church, so I still get to see my friends and experience their love for single moms!  God is so good!

Ugh... my ex!

Why is it that our ex's can bring us to a place in ourselves we never knew we had in us?  I think it is because we used to love and trust them.  We had true deep feelings for this person.  Even if they aren't an 'ex', you were intimate with them and that is a special bond created by God.  So we have this bond with someone and now they aren't who we thought anymore.  Either they have changed, or we finally realized this is the way they are and couldn't live that way anymore.  Either way, it is devastating.

I think one reason our ex's get under our skin so much is because we let them.  My life with my ex has been an emotional rollercoaster.  I truly loved that man and we had great times together.  He has some struggles in his life that he just can't seem to get past.  All throughout our marriage, actually even before our marriage, I believed in the good man he wanted to be.  So we would go through a cycle where I was his cheerleader to be that man, then another bad decision would bring us back down.  Over and over again for years.  I love this quote from the movie The Holiday, it sums it up completely... Iris and Miles were talking about why they stay with people that aren't good for them. "Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you." 

I still find myself getting depressed some times over choices my ex makes.  Is it because I still have hope?  Is it because it brings back painful memories?  I actually don't know.  I do know that I refuse to let my emotions about my ex control my life anymore, so as soon as I notice it, I change what I am doing and get back on my feet.

My point in telling you this is that I have had to come to a place where I accept him for who he is.  I can not take those decisions personally anymore.  If you think about it, isn't that what we are doing a lot of the time? With most of us, our ex's decisions are not just to tick us off, it is who they are. The sooner you can accept that, the more peace you will feel when they make those decisions.

Think about what it is exactly that bothers you so much.  What is it that really gets you mad?  Then process those feelings.  What is it about that situation that makes you mad?  What expectations did you have?  Obviously they weren't met, but why did you have those expectations?  Have they proven before that this might have happened again?

Here are some ideas that I have implemented in my life that have helped me:

1.  Don't expect anything.  I do not plan on anything, even the visits.  Sometimes my ex gets sick and can't take her, or his car breaks down.  I have to have a alternate plan in case it doesn't work out.  So, even when I make plans for that day, in the back of my head I know it may not happen or I have other options.  That way when he does call and cancel, I am not upset and it doesn't have to ruin my day or even week.

2.  Don't try to control them or the situation - If you couldn't control and/or change them when you were with them, what makes you think you can now?  I have learned that being on the same 'team' has helped out tremendously!  In other words, rather than attack my ex about what he is doing wrong, we have a conversation about our children and what we need to do to help a situation.  In our discussion I bring up thing I need to work on too.  We aren't perfect, so let's not act like we are when reprimanding our ex's.  Look, the two of you aren't going to parent the same way or make the same decisions.  You might as well come to terms with it sooner than later, because it probably isn't going to change.  Unless it is physically or emotionally harming your child, you really don't have much say in the matter.  I think it is the hardest part of co-parenting.

3.  Put your kids first - Take your emotions out of it as much as you can.  Really it is about the kids and their needs.  Studies have shown that kids love their parents no matter what they have done.  Kids want and need their parents.  Sometimes it is hard to remember, but I try to think what my kid(s) would want or need when it comes to my ex...  rather than my comfort level.  For example: if he wants to see my daughter for an hour during the week, if it is possible, I let it happen.  Is it convenient?  Does it throw us off schedule? Yes.  BUT it shows my daughter that her dad is thinking about her and loves her.  That is so important to our kids.

4.  Pray Pray Pray - Pray for forgiveness, of you ex and yourself.  Pray that you are wise and don't allow your hurt and anger to control your decisions.  Pray for your attitude to be peaceful about your ex around your children.  Pray for everything and every situation!  God will help you through this.  I have seen it in my own life.

All I know is that the sooner you are at peace with everything, the better your life will be.  PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM AWARE THAT THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERY SITUATION!  This blog is for those of us whose ex's are not seriously harming our children.

Treating Yourself

I am soooo busy.  Way too busy.  I work, I am involved in ministry, I have one very active child at home and three older kids.  Sometimes I wonder how I even manage.  Organization.  That is what it is all about for me.  But that isn't what I am talking about today, I wanted to share with you how I take time out for myself, treat myself to little things.  It is so important to be healthy physically and emotionally when you are a single mom.  It makes life so much easier.

I treat myself to coffee a couple of times a week. For me this is pure pleasure!  It may sound dumb to some people, but when I take that first sip of my Non-fat, Decaf, White Chocolate Mocha with Whip I feel like I have gone to heaven.  It is sooo good! It just starts my day off right.  When I am tight on the funds I buy the cappachino from Aldi with whip cream and that is an amazing substitute!  They only have it in the winter, which I think is the dumbest thing in the world, but I just bought out the store last month so I would have some through the summer!  Ok, maybe I need to check into a coffee support group. Hey, I sleep alone, so something has to give me pleasure right? :)  I deserve that.

Ok, that is one thing I do for myself.  Another thing I am trying to do is make time to exercise.  It clears my head and I feel good about myself when I do it.  It is hard with a seven year old, and I work so i can't do it while she is in school.  Sometimes I walk around the lake while she rides her bike.  I just joined the YMCA and she loves going into the daycare there.  It is important to make that time for yourself so you can be healthy. A healthy mom is a better mom!

I also make sure I am in tune with my body and emotions.  I have to make sure I am doing well emotionally or I tend to take it out on my kids.  I don't have the tolerance that I need when I am depressed, anxious or stressed.  So I have to stay in touch with myself to make sure I take care of it before it gets worse.  For example, I have triggers in my life that can take me down fast.  I can get depressed about something and not even realize it until it is pretty bad.  When I am depressed, I tend to watch a lot of TV to get my mind off things and just zone out. My little girl needs A LOT of attention. When she isn't getting attention from me, she is naughty.  By her being naughty, it feeds my depression and wanting to get away.  It just spirals downward.  What I have to do is realize it is happening and make changes to go back up.  Take her on a date, snuggle her, play with her.  I also need to listen to Christian music, turn the TV off, do something productive and exercise and of course PRAY.  Those all help me come out of my depression. I could choose to wallow in my depression for a long time, but that isn't good for my children or myself.  So I take charge and fix it!

The last thing I want to share is that I go on a scrapbooking retreat every year.  Don't ask me how I make this happen, because it is hard to get everything in place.  I usually sign up right after the current years trip because I know that I need it.  However, as the trip comes closer I start to stress out and wonder why I do this every year.  Once I am there, it is complete bliss.  I don't even scrap people!  This last time I literally just talked the whole time!  I needed that so bad.  Talking with adults.  It was so refreshing and just what I needed.

Sometimes I feel guilty for doing things for myself.  What single mom has the finances, time or energy for that?  It is definitely a decision for me to do these things, but I am a better mom because of them.  And really isn't that what is important?  What do you do for yourself?

Dating as a Single Mom

This is a tough subject and you may not like what I have to say, but I do believe I am right on this...

The first thing we feel when we separate from our ex is lonely, despair, anger, sadness, regret, and so many other emotions I can't even begin to name them all.  I am sure you have felt at least some of these if you have gone through a divorce.  Our marriages were hard, and our lives were filled with holes because of some needs that were not being met.  It is our nature to want to find something or someone to fill those holes/needs that have been growing inside us for years and years.  I found myself longing for things that I did not receive from my ex, and if I hadn't used my wisdom, I could have gone down a terrible path with that.

It's a long story but shortly after my separation a man accidentally sent a text to the wrong number.  Through that, we began a friendship and started talking on the phone.  I was so excited.  Someone was interested in me.  He had even seen pictures of me and thought I was attractive.  Feelings I hadn't felt in a very long time came over me.  The problem?  I knew he wasn't what I would want for me and especially for my children. The man was a rapper for crying out loud!  I don't even like rap.  We were from two completely different worlds.  What was I thinking?  Well, I was starving for some affection, for someone to be 'into' me, I wanted a man in my life.

I thank God that I was wise enough to end it before I made a bad mistake.  I never met him, and for that I am so proud of myself.  (He wanted to meet me)  I will be honest.... one day my son said to me, "Mom, how come you talk to this guy past the curfew you allow us to talk?"  I had a curfew of when my kids could talk to the opposite sex.  MAN!  That was a slap across the face for me!  Remember old movies when someone was out of it and a person would slap them across the face and it would bring them back to reality?  This was my slap in the face.  What on earth was I doing?  I had high expectations for my children, why didn't I for myself?

Well, now I do.  Here are a few things I think are VERY important when considering dating:

1. Are you healed from the wounds of your past relationship(s) - I mean really healed.  We will never be happy we are divorced, but is there forgiveness there?  Are you at a place where you can say, "My life is good right now"? You need to be happy and content with life, with your life before you can bring someone else into it.  A man is not going to fulfill your longing to be happy, you need to find that within yourself - through God.
   
2. Are you kids healed from the wounds of your divorce?  This is a hard one, but so important.  In my opinion no one has any business dating when their children are still going through devastation over the divorce.  Now I know that our kids will never get over the fact that they are from a broken home, and in my caseI don't think my children will ever not have issues with their father, but are they ok with where I am at?  Are they in a good place emotionally about the divorce?  That is what I mean by that.  We have to let them heal!  I am shocked at how many people I know have started dating before their divorce is even final.  What is that teaching our children?  When we are divorced, our children now are first... not us. Think hard about what it will do to them and how they will feel about it.
   
3. Are you in a place where your life is good and you don't NEED a man?  You don't want to be out looking for a man to fill all the holes in your life.  You want to find a partner to go through life with.  What are you bringing to a man?  What do you have to offer?  Be in a place where you are confident in who you are and what you have to offer this man.
   
4. Make a list of what you want in a man BEFORE you start dating.  This is so important.  Ladies, we have been in a bad marriage/relationship already.  I, for one, don't ever want to be in another relationship with so much hurt and pain again.  I would rather be alone.  My list has things that my ex didn't have to offer, but it also has things that I want for my children.  I want a good example for them.

Recently I joined a dating site.  I have talked to a couple of men.... but what I realized right now is that I am happy and content with my life. I cancelled my subscription.  God is in control of my life, when He thinks I am ready, He will show me the man He wants for me.  That is the right way to live ladies!

Love my life

Can you say that?  It is an interesting question.  Because if you really think about it, this is not the life you would have chosen.  What little girl aspires to be a single mom when they grow up?  If they do they have no idea what it really means!  This isn't what I wanted for my life.  This isn't what I wanted for my children's life.  BUT I can find a new happiness within this life.  I refuse to be bitter and sulk for the rest of my life because this isn't what I want.

I am not going to lie, it has taken hard work physically and emotionally to get to a place where I can honestly say I am happy.  I had to work through forgiveness with my ex, bitterness towards God, get rid of the guilt I had toward myself and trust in God to move past all this.  I have been separated from my ex for six years now (divorce for 1 year) and this is the first year that I feel completely whole and happy again.  Sometimes I just focus on the freedom I feel.  The freedom of not being in a bad marriage and having to live with that day after day.  Now I can focus on my kids and what mom out there doesn't love to do that?

I have also found things that make me happy to put in my life.  I have found jobs that I like, which helps a lot.  I wish I didn't have to work, I loved being an at home mom.  But I do have to work, so I found jobs that work with my schedule (around my kids) and that I like.  I have also gotten involved in things that I am passionate about.  When you volunteer your time, you can't help but feel good about yourself.  You are doing good for others, not just wallowing in your self pity.  It feels so good.

The other thing I do is have many dates with my children.  I play with them.  It is hard because we are beyond busy now.  But it is the most important thing I do.  My children need uninterrupted time with me.  No phone, Facebook, TV... just time with me.  I love it and they love it.  And it truly keeps my thoughts in perspective of what is important.

The last thing to think about, and the thing I could not be happy without is God.  What God has done for me these last few years is enough to make me dance with joy.  He has truly taken care of me in so many ways that I can't even tell you.  When I think about what He has done for me, little ol' me, I am happy.  I am happy that He thinks I am worth all that He is giving me.  If God finds me worth all this, then I must be, right?  I now look at myself through His eyes instead of through my ex's eyes, or even my own eyes.  What a difference!  He doesn't see all my mistakes.  He sees me, for who I am through Him.  What a blessing this is in my life!

I am truly happy. I hope you can find happiness too.