Ok ladies... I am challenging all of you to start tithing with me. I have been tithing on and off for the last six years. Sometimes more off than on, to be honest!
But God provides when we obey Him and when I tithe my finances are so much easier to handle and when I don't I struggle with anxiety. God is faithful! This week God performed nothing less than a miracle in my finances! A pure miracle! I cried out to Him on Monday and then on Tuesday there was unexpected money in my account to cover exactly what I needed! He hears our cries. He answers our prayers. I am going to be a good steward of my money and honor what He has blessed me with. I find that when I tithe, I am not as tempted to spend where I shouldn't, struggle financially, and money comes out of nowhere when needed.
Let's make a pact that we will tithe from all of our income for the next six months and then let's share our testimonies!
Who is with me?
Monday, July 9, 2012
The Holy Spirit
On June 30th the devotional, Jesus Calling, has an entry that spoke exactly what God has been showing me this year. Inviting the Holy Spirit to be a part of us on a daily basis is how we can be in tune to God's will for us minute by minute. That gut feeling you get sometimes? That is the Holy Spirit. I have been learning to ask God to fill me with the Holy Spirit so that I can be the best Godly woman, mother, I can be. God guides me daily. Having the Holy Spirit in my life has helped me resist temptations and to know when I need to change something in my life.
Sometimes I think we forget about the Holy Spirit and focus on God and Jesus. But it is the trinity that we are rewarded when we ask Jesus into our heart and lives.
As single moms, we don't have that partner to help us raise our children. I have heard many people say that God can fill our missing pieces in our lives... and I get that, however I am not going to sit here and act like because I have God in my life, that I don't have lonely times, or with I had someone to cuddle with or even share ideas with. It is so much easier to raise children when there are two minds coming together to figure out what to do. Well, having the Holy Spirit in my life is helping me in that area. The Holy Spirit shows me how to raise my children, gives me peace when I am on the right track and gives me a sign when I am not. Think about this.
Jesus Calling - June 30th
I am the Truth: the One who came to set you free. As the Holy Spirit controls your mind and actions mor fully, you become free in Me. You are increasingly released to become the one I created you to be. This is a work that I do in you as you yield to My Spirit. I can do My best handiwork when you sit in the stillness of My Presence, focusing your entire being on Me.
Let My thoughts burst freely upon your consciousness, stimulating abundant Life. I am the Way and the Truth and the Life. As you follow Me, I lead you along paths of newness: ways you have never imagined. Don't worry about what is on the road up ahead. I want you to find your security in knowing Me, the One who died to set you free.
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32
For it is God who works in you to will and to act according t His good purpose. Philippians 2:13
Sometimes I think we forget about the Holy Spirit and focus on God and Jesus. But it is the trinity that we are rewarded when we ask Jesus into our heart and lives.
As single moms, we don't have that partner to help us raise our children. I have heard many people say that God can fill our missing pieces in our lives... and I get that, however I am not going to sit here and act like because I have God in my life, that I don't have lonely times, or with I had someone to cuddle with or even share ideas with. It is so much easier to raise children when there are two minds coming together to figure out what to do. Well, having the Holy Spirit in my life is helping me in that area. The Holy Spirit shows me how to raise my children, gives me peace when I am on the right track and gives me a sign when I am not. Think about this.
Jesus Calling - June 30th
I am the Truth: the One who came to set you free. As the Holy Spirit controls your mind and actions mor fully, you become free in Me. You are increasingly released to become the one I created you to be. This is a work that I do in you as you yield to My Spirit. I can do My best handiwork when you sit in the stillness of My Presence, focusing your entire being on Me.
Let My thoughts burst freely upon your consciousness, stimulating abundant Life. I am the Way and the Truth and the Life. As you follow Me, I lead you along paths of newness: ways you have never imagined. Don't worry about what is on the road up ahead. I want you to find your security in knowing Me, the One who died to set you free.
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32
For it is God who works in you to will and to act according t His good purpose. Philippians 2:13
Forgiving our Enemy(s)
Sometimes the hardest thing can be forgiving those who have hurt us, but it is what we need to do, not only because we are called to forgive, but because we need to for our own sanity, for peace.
The single moms retreat in May was amazing! It was our first annual retreat with such blessings for the 200+ single moms that showed up. They were treated to mini spa treatments, a boutique, good food, prizes and most of all speakers that lead us in the right direction.
The first talk was on forgiveness. As it ended I looked around the room and saw so many women just weeping. So many of us single moms struggle with anger. Not necessarily at the father of our children, but usually that is the reality. Anger/Bitterness is when we allow someones actions to take over our emotions. Sure they have hurt/betrayed us. They were in the wrong. (Usually) BUT it is our choice to allow it to fester in our lives.
I for one have experienced what anger can do in my life. For years I allowed my anger at my husband to keep me in a depression. I was miserable and would often find myself losing my temper. Once we separated, the anger literally took over my life, my brain, my heart. I have said before, but I really do not remember three years of my life because I was so angry. By allowing this anger to take control of my life, I found that I was angry at other people and things. My anger towards one man (The root) lead to all the branches of anger towards others in my life. The church for not supporting me, girlfriends for not being able to handle our separation, my family for not totally understanding, the government because I needed help and it was such a hard process, and many individuals for comments they would make when they did not know the whole situation. The fact is that I was taking things that would happen, things I had a right to be angry or hurt about, but the anger I felt was multiplied by 100 because I was so full of anger at him.
There is a big difference in being angry at someone in an unhealthy way, and being angry for the moment you need to be.
Here is an example:
Let's say that someone makes a choice that effects you. At the beginning of our separation I would ask my children's father to spend time with them. I used to get so angry that he wouldn't have time, for whatever reason. I would be angry for weeks, talking about it with each of my friends. Finally after yelling and fighting all the time, I heard God speak to me "Look at this as a blessing." So, now I do. Even when he calls to tell me he can't take our daughter because of a cold, I don't let it get to me. Sure I am upset at first. I only have 6-7 hours a week to get everything done, BUT I choose to look at it as more time with my sweet girl. I get upset for maybe 10 minutes and then I move on. That is healthy.... Holding it in for weeks is not healthy. Ask yourself, which way you handle the things that upset you? Is this how you want to live? What are you showing your children?
Here is a question... how many of you are in a place where you can SEE that you are doing this? We often don't realize that we are feeling/reacting this way until we are out of it. I can see what I was doing back then, but at the time I felt like I had every reason to feel that way towards everyone. We can not change a person, we can not force them to ask for our forgiveness, or even be repentant... but WE CAN CHANGE ourselves. We are responsible for our reactions to the offenses. But how do we change our reactions?
The key, the answer???? Forgiving the one person you need to forgive. Once you do that, God will give you a peace and understanding. He will wash the anger from you.
"Come now, let us settle the matter," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool"
I literally felt the anger washing out of my body. The peace just washed over me. Once you let the anger go, you will be able to start seeing clearly again. Don't get me wrong, it is NOT easy. It took me a long time to be able to forgive him. It is through a lot of prayer and willingness to let go that I was finally able to forgive. Having forgiveness in my heart for people who have hurt me or my family has changed my life. Am I perfect in this? No, not at all. It is a work in progress. :)
The single moms retreat in May was amazing! It was our first annual retreat with such blessings for the 200+ single moms that showed up. They were treated to mini spa treatments, a boutique, good food, prizes and most of all speakers that lead us in the right direction.
The first talk was on forgiveness. As it ended I looked around the room and saw so many women just weeping. So many of us single moms struggle with anger. Not necessarily at the father of our children, but usually that is the reality. Anger/Bitterness is when we allow someones actions to take over our emotions. Sure they have hurt/betrayed us. They were in the wrong. (Usually) BUT it is our choice to allow it to fester in our lives.
I for one have experienced what anger can do in my life. For years I allowed my anger at my husband to keep me in a depression. I was miserable and would often find myself losing my temper. Once we separated, the anger literally took over my life, my brain, my heart. I have said before, but I really do not remember three years of my life because I was so angry. By allowing this anger to take control of my life, I found that I was angry at other people and things. My anger towards one man (The root) lead to all the branches of anger towards others in my life. The church for not supporting me, girlfriends for not being able to handle our separation, my family for not totally understanding, the government because I needed help and it was such a hard process, and many individuals for comments they would make when they did not know the whole situation. The fact is that I was taking things that would happen, things I had a right to be angry or hurt about, but the anger I felt was multiplied by 100 because I was so full of anger at him.
There is a big difference in being angry at someone in an unhealthy way, and being angry for the moment you need to be.
Here is an example:
Let's say that someone makes a choice that effects you. At the beginning of our separation I would ask my children's father to spend time with them. I used to get so angry that he wouldn't have time, for whatever reason. I would be angry for weeks, talking about it with each of my friends. Finally after yelling and fighting all the time, I heard God speak to me "Look at this as a blessing." So, now I do. Even when he calls to tell me he can't take our daughter because of a cold, I don't let it get to me. Sure I am upset at first. I only have 6-7 hours a week to get everything done, BUT I choose to look at it as more time with my sweet girl. I get upset for maybe 10 minutes and then I move on. That is healthy.... Holding it in for weeks is not healthy. Ask yourself, which way you handle the things that upset you? Is this how you want to live? What are you showing your children?
Here is a question... how many of you are in a place where you can SEE that you are doing this? We often don't realize that we are feeling/reacting this way until we are out of it. I can see what I was doing back then, but at the time I felt like I had every reason to feel that way towards everyone. We can not change a person, we can not force them to ask for our forgiveness, or even be repentant... but WE CAN CHANGE ourselves. We are responsible for our reactions to the offenses. But how do we change our reactions?
The key, the answer???? Forgiving the one person you need to forgive. Once you do that, God will give you a peace and understanding. He will wash the anger from you.
"Come now, let us settle the matter," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool"
I literally felt the anger washing out of my body. The peace just washed over me. Once you let the anger go, you will be able to start seeing clearly again. Don't get me wrong, it is NOT easy. It took me a long time to be able to forgive him. It is through a lot of prayer and willingness to let go that I was finally able to forgive. Having forgiveness in my heart for people who have hurt me or my family has changed my life. Am I perfect in this? No, not at all. It is a work in progress. :)
Monday, June 25, 2012
Changing My Attitude
So many amazing things have happened in the last few month. God has been so present and real to me and others, it has been just what I needed to see His strength. So why am I in such a funk now? I struggle with just feeling so depressed. I think some of it has to do with being burnt out (I did just go over seas, help plan a retreat for 200 women, left my girl for 2 weeks and graduated from school with my AA degree) I guess I had a lot on my plate!!!
However, I think more than that, I am just really sad and a little bitter right now. I am working almost full time, my daughter is in daycare four days a week and I have little money to do the things I wish I could do with her. I have rearranged my work schedule so that I can work while my daughter's dad has her on Sundays, which is great except I have lost all my time that I have to myself to prepare for the week. I see on Facebook that other moms are going to the beach, park, zoo and pool with their children and it breaks my heart. I want to do that. My whole like I have wanted to be a mom and enjoy my children. And up to this point I have! I loved being home and taking care of them, playing with them, watching them grow. It was what I was called to do.
I never in a million years would have thought that I would be working and putting my seven year old in daycare four days a week. I have to be honest... I hate it. It has knocked me off my feet this summer.
So how do I move past this? If I stay in this funk I am going to ruin my summer and my kids summer.
The last two weeks have been great sermons at our church. I love the summer sermons because we have different speakers every week and they talk about 'The One Thing' they would like to tell us. Last week was Ryan Skoog and he shared about being happy. Why aren't we happy? We are going to live in eternity! Jesus is in our hearts! We should be Joyful not complaining! Yesterday Tom Truszinski spoke on living with Godliness and contentment. Both taught how we need to be thankful for what God has done. Focus on the positives, not the negatives. (You can hear both of these on Cedar Valley's website: www.cvchurch.org)
So this is my focus this week:
However, I think more than that, I am just really sad and a little bitter right now. I am working almost full time, my daughter is in daycare four days a week and I have little money to do the things I wish I could do with her. I have rearranged my work schedule so that I can work while my daughter's dad has her on Sundays, which is great except I have lost all my time that I have to myself to prepare for the week. I see on Facebook that other moms are going to the beach, park, zoo and pool with their children and it breaks my heart. I want to do that. My whole like I have wanted to be a mom and enjoy my children. And up to this point I have! I loved being home and taking care of them, playing with them, watching them grow. It was what I was called to do.
I never in a million years would have thought that I would be working and putting my seven year old in daycare four days a week. I have to be honest... I hate it. It has knocked me off my feet this summer.
So how do I move past this? If I stay in this funk I am going to ruin my summer and my kids summer.
The last two weeks have been great sermons at our church. I love the summer sermons because we have different speakers every week and they talk about 'The One Thing' they would like to tell us. Last week was Ryan Skoog and he shared about being happy. Why aren't we happy? We are going to live in eternity! Jesus is in our hearts! We should be Joyful not complaining! Yesterday Tom Truszinski spoke on living with Godliness and contentment. Both taught how we need to be thankful for what God has done. Focus on the positives, not the negatives. (You can hear both of these on Cedar Valley's website: www.cvchurch.org)
So this is my focus this week:
- I am more that thankful/grateful that Sabrina has the best daycare worker in the world. A woman who truly loves her and appreciates her personality.
- I am thankful for two jobs that are flexible and understand that my children are my first priority. I can call in if my kids need me without feeling guilty.
- I am thankful God has blessed me to work jobs that can pay my bills. He has always taken care of me financially... even when I don't know how we are going to make it.
- I am thankful for finding an amazing house to rent where my landlord does my yard work!
- I am thankful that I have kids that I love and that love me too. (Happy Family)
- I am thankful that I can afford a pool pass so I can do my favorite thing - swim.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Friendships
When my ex and I first separated, I lost several friends. It was heartbreaking. Some of it was me. I pulled away because I felt so alone, like people didn't understand where I was. Being a Christian especially can be very hard because other Christians don't necessarily support people when they separate, no matter what the reason. The loneliest feeling is feeling like you are all alone and no one understands what you are going through.
I think sometimes people don't know what to say, or they are afraid if they 'get' what is going on it could happen to them (I actually had a friend tell me that), or they are so stuck in their right vs. wrong mentality that they can't see what the actual situation is. You can't blame them for that really... I would have been like that possibly if I hadn't been through my divorce. I don't know if I would have understood one of my friends going through that before.
I was so lonely and so depressed. I felt like I had lost everything. My ex's friends would gather around him, take him to dinner and a movie. My girlfriends couldn't 'deal' with it, so they didn't know how to talk to me. I went online and found a DivorceCare group. Best decision I could have ever made! I wasn't even sure we were going to get divorced at the time, but I needed other people around me who understood what I was going through.
Within the first couple of weeks I met a woman who was going through similar things I was. We connected and I knew God gave me a new friend. Soon after we made other friends too. Oh my God blessed me! These ladies were able to stand by me and help me through one of the most difficult times in my life! No one ever pushed me to divorce my ex, they would all call me on things that I did that I needed to work on, they let me be angry, but gently told me it wasn't a good place to be and they supported me when I tried to reconcile and then when I finally chose divorce.
Those are good friends! Any time you are going through something that makes you feel alone, you need to find at least one other person who understands or gets what you are feeling. Pray that God puts someone in your life. I did and Donna was placed in that group next to me on a specific day. We connected about our kids, but our situations were similar. She later reconciled with her husband and I later divorced mine. But that isn't what our friendship was about. It was about healing, working through our pain, listening to God and being there for each other.
My group of friends is still so important to me. We have all moved past the 'going through a divorce' stage of our lives. A couple of them are remarried, or reconciled with their ex's, a couple of us are still single, but we are all in a better place. We made it this far because we had each other.
I hope that anyone reading this can find a friend or friends to go through their hard times with. It makes such a difference!
I would like to dedicate this post to my wonderful friends Donna, Dana, Faye, Rachel and Semina.
I think sometimes people don't know what to say, or they are afraid if they 'get' what is going on it could happen to them (I actually had a friend tell me that), or they are so stuck in their right vs. wrong mentality that they can't see what the actual situation is. You can't blame them for that really... I would have been like that possibly if I hadn't been through my divorce. I don't know if I would have understood one of my friends going through that before.
I was so lonely and so depressed. I felt like I had lost everything. My ex's friends would gather around him, take him to dinner and a movie. My girlfriends couldn't 'deal' with it, so they didn't know how to talk to me. I went online and found a DivorceCare group. Best decision I could have ever made! I wasn't even sure we were going to get divorced at the time, but I needed other people around me who understood what I was going through.
Within the first couple of weeks I met a woman who was going through similar things I was. We connected and I knew God gave me a new friend. Soon after we made other friends too. Oh my God blessed me! These ladies were able to stand by me and help me through one of the most difficult times in my life! No one ever pushed me to divorce my ex, they would all call me on things that I did that I needed to work on, they let me be angry, but gently told me it wasn't a good place to be and they supported me when I tried to reconcile and then when I finally chose divorce.
Those are good friends! Any time you are going through something that makes you feel alone, you need to find at least one other person who understands or gets what you are feeling. Pray that God puts someone in your life. I did and Donna was placed in that group next to me on a specific day. We connected about our kids, but our situations were similar. She later reconciled with her husband and I later divorced mine. But that isn't what our friendship was about. It was about healing, working through our pain, listening to God and being there for each other.
My group of friends is still so important to me. We have all moved past the 'going through a divorce' stage of our lives. A couple of them are remarried, or reconciled with their ex's, a couple of us are still single, but we are all in a better place. We made it this far because we had each other.
I hope that anyone reading this can find a friend or friends to go through their hard times with. It makes such a difference!
I would like to dedicate this post to my wonderful friends Donna, Dana, Faye, Rachel and Semina.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
God!
I am beyond excited for what God is doing for Single Moms here is Minnesota right now! I can hardly stand it! Two to three years ago, God called me back to my 'home' church. I hadn't gone there regularly for ten years. I was so comfortable in the church I was in. They had an amazing single moms group and I loved being with all of them. I was so frustrated because I knew my old church was a family church. "Really God? Why are you making me go back to a church where there are no single parents? No divorces? Just families? I will never fit in!" I fought God for probably six months but finally gave in.
It was so obvious to me that we were in the right place. My kids were flourishing! I thanked God because that was what was important. I would sacrifice my comfort for them... but I felt forgotten by God, but knew that this is what was right.
In these past two years, God has given me friendships that I never knew I would have. Friendships with married women! Plus, God was laying on the heart of two of our pastors to start supporting single moms. Now I am the leader of a single moms group and we have 20 ladies (and one man)!
I am so blessed! By following God's plan for my life, by actually listening to him... He has taken care of everything. Everything I was losing from my other church, He has fulfilled and then some. Not only that, but we sometimes partner with my other church, so I still get to see my friends and experience their love for single moms! God is so good!
It was so obvious to me that we were in the right place. My kids were flourishing! I thanked God because that was what was important. I would sacrifice my comfort for them... but I felt forgotten by God, but knew that this is what was right.
In these past two years, God has given me friendships that I never knew I would have. Friendships with married women! Plus, God was laying on the heart of two of our pastors to start supporting single moms. Now I am the leader of a single moms group and we have 20 ladies (and one man)!
I am so blessed! By following God's plan for my life, by actually listening to him... He has taken care of everything. Everything I was losing from my other church, He has fulfilled and then some. Not only that, but we sometimes partner with my other church, so I still get to see my friends and experience their love for single moms! God is so good!
Ugh... my ex!
Why is it that our ex's can bring us to a place in ourselves we never knew we had in us? I think it is because we used to love and trust them. We had true deep feelings for this person. Even if they aren't an 'ex', you were intimate with them and that is a special bond created by God. So we have this bond with someone and now they aren't who we thought anymore. Either they have changed, or we finally realized this is the way they are and couldn't live that way anymore. Either way, it is devastating.
I think one reason our ex's get under our skin so much is because we let them. My life with my ex has been an emotional rollercoaster. I truly loved that man and we had great times together. He has some struggles in his life that he just can't seem to get past. All throughout our marriage, actually even before our marriage, I believed in the good man he wanted to be. So we would go through a cycle where I was his cheerleader to be that man, then another bad decision would bring us back down. Over and over again for years. I love this quote from the movie The Holiday, it sums it up completely... Iris and Miles were talking about why they stay with people that aren't good for them. "Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you."
I still find myself getting depressed some times over choices my ex makes. Is it because I still have hope? Is it because it brings back painful memories? I actually don't know. I do know that I refuse to let my emotions about my ex control my life anymore, so as soon as I notice it, I change what I am doing and get back on my feet.
My point in telling you this is that I have had to come to a place where I accept him for who he is. I can not take those decisions personally anymore. If you think about it, isn't that what we are doing a lot of the time? With most of us, our ex's decisions are not just to tick us off, it is who they are. The sooner you can accept that, the more peace you will feel when they make those decisions.
Think about what it is exactly that bothers you so much. What is it that really gets you mad? Then process those feelings. What is it about that situation that makes you mad? What expectations did you have? Obviously they weren't met, but why did you have those expectations? Have they proven before that this might have happened again?
Here are some ideas that I have implemented in my life that have helped me:
1. Don't expect anything. I do not plan on anything, even the visits. Sometimes my ex gets sick and can't take her, or his car breaks down. I have to have a alternate plan in case it doesn't work out. So, even when I make plans for that day, in the back of my head I know it may not happen or I have other options. That way when he does call and cancel, I am not upset and it doesn't have to ruin my day or even week.
2. Don't try to control them or the situation - If you couldn't control and/or change them when you were with them, what makes you think you can now? I have learned that being on the same 'team' has helped out tremendously! In other words, rather than attack my ex about what he is doing wrong, we have a conversation about our children and what we need to do to help a situation. In our discussion I bring up thing I need to work on too. We aren't perfect, so let's not act like we are when reprimanding our ex's. Look, the two of you aren't going to parent the same way or make the same decisions. You might as well come to terms with it sooner than later, because it probably isn't going to change. Unless it is physically or emotionally harming your child, you really don't have much say in the matter. I think it is the hardest part of co-parenting.
3. Put your kids first - Take your emotions out of it as much as you can. Really it is about the kids and their needs. Studies have shown that kids love their parents no matter what they have done. Kids want and need their parents. Sometimes it is hard to remember, but I try to think what my kid(s) would want or need when it comes to my ex... rather than my comfort level. For example: if he wants to see my daughter for an hour during the week, if it is possible, I let it happen. Is it convenient? Does it throw us off schedule? Yes. BUT it shows my daughter that her dad is thinking about her and loves her. That is so important to our kids.
4. Pray Pray Pray - Pray for forgiveness, of you ex and yourself. Pray that you are wise and don't allow your hurt and anger to control your decisions. Pray for your attitude to be peaceful about your ex around your children. Pray for everything and every situation! God will help you through this. I have seen it in my own life.
All I know is that the sooner you are at peace with everything, the better your life will be. PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM AWARE THAT THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERY SITUATION! This blog is for those of us whose ex's are not seriously harming our children.
I think one reason our ex's get under our skin so much is because we let them. My life with my ex has been an emotional rollercoaster. I truly loved that man and we had great times together. He has some struggles in his life that he just can't seem to get past. All throughout our marriage, actually even before our marriage, I believed in the good man he wanted to be. So we would go through a cycle where I was his cheerleader to be that man, then another bad decision would bring us back down. Over and over again for years. I love this quote from the movie The Holiday, it sums it up completely... Iris and Miles were talking about why they stay with people that aren't good for them. "Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you."
I still find myself getting depressed some times over choices my ex makes. Is it because I still have hope? Is it because it brings back painful memories? I actually don't know. I do know that I refuse to let my emotions about my ex control my life anymore, so as soon as I notice it, I change what I am doing and get back on my feet.
My point in telling you this is that I have had to come to a place where I accept him for who he is. I can not take those decisions personally anymore. If you think about it, isn't that what we are doing a lot of the time? With most of us, our ex's decisions are not just to tick us off, it is who they are. The sooner you can accept that, the more peace you will feel when they make those decisions.
Think about what it is exactly that bothers you so much. What is it that really gets you mad? Then process those feelings. What is it about that situation that makes you mad? What expectations did you have? Obviously they weren't met, but why did you have those expectations? Have they proven before that this might have happened again?
Here are some ideas that I have implemented in my life that have helped me:
1. Don't expect anything. I do not plan on anything, even the visits. Sometimes my ex gets sick and can't take her, or his car breaks down. I have to have a alternate plan in case it doesn't work out. So, even when I make plans for that day, in the back of my head I know it may not happen or I have other options. That way when he does call and cancel, I am not upset and it doesn't have to ruin my day or even week.
2. Don't try to control them or the situation - If you couldn't control and/or change them when you were with them, what makes you think you can now? I have learned that being on the same 'team' has helped out tremendously! In other words, rather than attack my ex about what he is doing wrong, we have a conversation about our children and what we need to do to help a situation. In our discussion I bring up thing I need to work on too. We aren't perfect, so let's not act like we are when reprimanding our ex's. Look, the two of you aren't going to parent the same way or make the same decisions. You might as well come to terms with it sooner than later, because it probably isn't going to change. Unless it is physically or emotionally harming your child, you really don't have much say in the matter. I think it is the hardest part of co-parenting.
3. Put your kids first - Take your emotions out of it as much as you can. Really it is about the kids and their needs. Studies have shown that kids love their parents no matter what they have done. Kids want and need their parents. Sometimes it is hard to remember, but I try to think what my kid(s) would want or need when it comes to my ex... rather than my comfort level. For example: if he wants to see my daughter for an hour during the week, if it is possible, I let it happen. Is it convenient? Does it throw us off schedule? Yes. BUT it shows my daughter that her dad is thinking about her and loves her. That is so important to our kids.
4. Pray Pray Pray - Pray for forgiveness, of you ex and yourself. Pray that you are wise and don't allow your hurt and anger to control your decisions. Pray for your attitude to be peaceful about your ex around your children. Pray for everything and every situation! God will help you through this. I have seen it in my own life.
All I know is that the sooner you are at peace with everything, the better your life will be. PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM AWARE THAT THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERY SITUATION! This blog is for those of us whose ex's are not seriously harming our children.
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