Miss Independent

It is MEA weekend and I am determined to get some stuff done around my house.  I am often so busy that I don't get the big items done that I would like to.  Today I conquered half the basement.  I needed to vacuum the spider/cob webs for over a year.  Plus, I would like to make the basement a little play area/craft room.  I don't know if that will ever happen, but at least I can clean it enough that I am not afraid of the spiders when I go do laundry.

While I was vacuuming all the webs and other crud all over, I was thinking this is something my ex-husband would have done when we were married. I find myself getting frustrated when I am stuck doing something that I wouldn't have to do if I were still married.  This is when the devil likes to take hold of my thoughts and run with them.  I start to get angry and end up having my own little pity party.  But then something fabulous happens...  once I have started to see what I am accomplishing, I start to feel empowered.  Ooooo I can do this.  Sure it sucks, but I am doing it.  My basement is starting to look good again.  I rock!  This feeling of accomplishment comes over me and I start feeling proud of myself.  I realize I can do anything I put my mind to and I start praising God for keeping me able to do these things.  Thanking him for making me independent so I can do these things and others (not to mention raise my family) all by myself.

Now, I am laying in bed and I feel great about what I have accomplished today.  God is good.  I am good.  :)

What I miss

Very rarely do I feel lonely being a single adult woman.  When it hits me the most is when there are things going on that are for couples and then I sort of feel left out.  But usually the feeling only lasts a couple of minutes.  See for me, I have such a peace about the lack of drama in my life now that I am single.  So I relish in that when I start to feel that way.

However, lately I have been really noticing that I do not have a mate in my life, someone to share life with.  I think it is because there are some major things going on in my life that I wish I had someone to talk about it with.  Someone to have as a sounding board, to throw ideas off of.  Even someone to give me advice and point me in the right direction in my thinking.

My ex and I were able to talk things through a lot, it was one of the strong parts of our marriage.  When things got bad (when it pertained to others not us) we were able to talk things through.  So I guess it is easy to miss the good parts of my marriage when I don't have that now.

Don't get me wrong, the bad out weighed the good by far, especially in the end.  So even though I am missing this one part, I am reminded often about what I do not miss.

I just thought I would share how I am feeling lately.

Stop Living in Fear

As a single mom there is a fear that something could happen to my children or me that would be out of my control.  Anyone who watches the news on a regular basis can feel fear of living in this world where there are rapists, murders, just terrible sick people who will attack random people.  But being a single mom there is a whole added fear.  The fear that my ex husband could snap and do something to our children or me.  I want to clarify right away that mine has never given me a reason to think that he would do something other than he deals with depression from time to time.

My ex husband and I separated in early October of 2006.  That Christmas there was a man, separated from his wife, who entered into his home, where he had lived with his wife and children, and killed them all.  Their story was similar to ours and it scared me.  Ever since then I have always had a fear in the back of my mind. You never really know what makes a person snap, and it is scary to see it all the time in the news.  Just recently we all saw a man that went to go have a visit with his three children and killed them all.  Now the mother, who is still alive, will have to live with that forever.  To be honest, I don't know how you would go on after that.  Through Christ alone.

I think most of us who are not in a healthy relationship with our ex's feel a since of fear of what could happen because of what we hear in the media. It isn't rare anymore for a man to kill his ex, or for a parent to try to kidnap their children during a visit, or worse for a father (or mother) to kill their children.  So even if we haven't been given a reason in our situation, the fear is still there.

I remember the first overnight my youngest had with her dad.  Both of them were so excited.  I sat up all night worried he might not bring her home.

I have a few friends who actually have reason to live in fear.  There have been threats, signs, etc...  There is nothing they can really do physically, but what they can do is give it to God.  Pray for God to protect their family.

God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day - our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgment - is one not yet fully formed in love.  1 John 4:18

Give your fear to the Lord.  It is really all we can do.  Our fear is legitimate. Why wouldn't we fear for our lives, our children's lives, with the way the world has gone?  I watch my children like a hawk because I fear the evil in this world.  I have seen it, up close, when I was younger and I know pure evil is out there.  It is a constant struggle for me to give my fear to the Lord.  I hold onto it like it is a security blanket. That is no way to live.  Giving it to the Lord gives me a peace.  Is it a peace that nothing will happen? No.  The thoughts are still in the back of my mind... but I still have more peace about it. It is hard to explain in words.  

He IS my "Sure Shot"!

This was something God put on my moms heart one day.  She wrote this:

This was given to me on July 5, 2012
"From my kitchen window":
As I viewed out my kitchen window I noticed a couple of wasps gathering at the top of my outside table umbrella and then they disappeared into a tiny opening.  Fearing they would make their home within the folds of the underside of the umbrella, I thought if I opened it they would fly away and "plant" elsewhere.  Not so!  It was too late.  Already they (and their busy squadron) had already formed a sizable nest.  Determined to rid our umbrella of the threatening and feared possible stings as we would sit unsuspectingly beneath, I got out a can of wasp and hornet spray "Sure Shot" - "Kills on Contact" and blasted a steady stream directly aiming at the nest and swarming wasps.  Instantly the wasps dropped or flew away.

As I returned to my "inside retreat" watching again from my kitchen window - I noticed a few die hard wasps flying around the umbrella attempting to return to their nest, which was soaked in Sure Shot.  I thought, "those wasps are persistent - looking for another entrance - another option - but they were unsuccessful.  The Sure Shot was the distraction  to prevent the rebuilding of the nest.  As I experienced my wasp event I thought how similar the enemy Satan is!  He searches for the smallest entrance in our lives - and almost without noticing he enters and makes his residence within, gathering, building, causing havoc in our lives with unsuspecting skill and  harmful "stings" using - guilt, shame, unresolved anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, envy, jealousy, strife, creating his damaging effects in our lives.  The Lord, His Word, our faith, our praise and thankfulness to Him, our obedience to Him is our protection to keep a constant and continuous guard against the enemy and be our "Sure Shot" to prevent the enemy from entering or taking up residence within us. 

He IS my "Sure Shot"!

Eclectic Group of Friends

Yesterday I had a close friend say to me, "You have a eclectic group of friends."  She is so right! I love it.  The interesting thing is that there is a story behind it and God has truly blessed me in this area.

For years I struggled with feeling uncomfortable around people.  I think it was because my life was full of secret pain that I couldn't share.  My husband was my security blanket when we would go places. I thought I was an extreme introvert.  I would rather be at home alone than go somewhere with people.  It was painful to go to church on Sundays.  I would purposely plan to be late and want to leave as soon as it was over.

When my husband and I separated, I pulled away from most of our friends.  I was very lonely and needed people.  I search online and found a Divorce Care (best program ever!) at a local church.  I started going to the group and later began attending the church.  Through this I found amazing friends.  I can't imagine what my life would look like now if I didn't have those ladies in my life.  All of us were in similar situations - single moms trying to find a way to deal with life.  We healed together, supported each other, laughed and cried often.  (See previous post)

After four years, God started nudging me to go back to my home church.  You have got to be kidding!  I have talked about it before, so I will make this short....  I obeyed and God blessed me with more friends than I could ever imagine having!  And guess what... Many of them are married, and I love it!

We need single moms in our lives to be able to vent to, cry with, understand each other, support each other and pray together.  It is important.  No one can understand the heartache we feel when our children suffer from being in a single parent home, but another single mom.  HOWEVER, we need to surround ourselves with married women too.  One thing God laid on my heart when He was asking me to go back to my home church was that it wasn't good for my children growing up thinking that being in a single parent home was 'normal'.   Don't get upset that I just said that.... think about it.  If you are truly a Godly woman, then you know this is not what God wanted for our children, for us. It is not what God planned for us. I want my children to grow up seeing healthy marriages.  I want them to have healthy marriages!

So I obeyed and God took care of the rest. I can honestly tell you that these friendships fell into my life.  It was nothing short of a miracle!  These women accept me for who I am and love and support me.  I can share with them something I am going through, and they feel it with me, but mostly I find myself being me and focusing on me and my life.  Not the single mom life, the working mom life, or the many other lives I lead... but Julie's life.  Sure all that is part of it, but there are other parts of me too. Do you want to know the best part of it?  A coulpe of their husbands have taken a special interest in my little girl and make sure to give her some special attention.  Another husband checks on me and helps me with my car and has offered for me to sit with them on a Sunday morning.

I am sitting here feeling so overwhelmed by God's love in my life.  How He has truly taken care of me in what I needed.  Oh by the way, the funniest thing is I realized after all these years that I am 100% a true extrovert! Who knew?  Well, obviously God knew because he has surrounded me with more friends than I ever could have imagined!  I have my single moms - who are my rock, I have friends that I have had since I was young - who know me well and have been with me through thick and thin, and now I have this amazing group of married women - who treat me like I am just one of them... which I am!

I think that is the whole point.  It is so great to be just Julie and have a good time.  :)

Think about this... if this is a desire of your heart, or even if it isn't, pray about it.  Ask God to put friendships in your life that will benefit you and your children.

Why are kids so smart?

Today my seven year old asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks.  "Mommy, did you and daddy fight over who would keep me?"  What on earth???  How did she even know to ask that question?  Kids are so smart these days.  It is questions like these, that are a reminder of where I am in life, that are hard to answer.  I think I handled this one well though.  There was a part of me that wanted to blurt out something not so nice... But God helped me hold my tongue and be still for a moment while I thought of the appropriate answer.  This is what I said, "Well, that is an interesting question sweet.  Actually there was never a thought about who you would go with.  One of the wonderful things about your dad is that he puts your best interests first and he knows that I am a good mommy and that I am the best one for you to live with.  You it was never a question.  Do you realize how much your dad loves you?"  She got a big smile on her face and nodded.  That was all she needed.  I think she asked that because she wanted to see if her dad wanted her.  I could have crushed her spirit with the wrong answer.

This kind of goes with yesterdays post about showing my children their fathers love when I can.  :)  Today I handled it well, now for tomorrow!

My kids ARE different.

Today while hanging out with some friends, I was talking about how my older daughter strives to be a little different while my youngest daughter can't stand being different in any way.  She is only seven and already she worries about what others think of her and she wants to fit in so bad.  One of my sweet friends pointed out that she probably wants to feel the same because she must often feel different because her parents are divorced.  Wow... that hit me like a ton of bricks.  She is so right!

I remember last year watching my youngest tell a friend that her parents are divorced.  She looked at me with a slanted smile.  UGH my heart just broke into little pieces!  That is not what I wanted for my children.

Ok, but here is the deal... rather than sit and wallow in the fact that this is true and this isn't what I wanted, And trust me I so could, I want to think about a way I can help the situation.  How can I make it better for my little sweet girl right now.  I'm not one to say "Well, this is my life so I guess we are just going to have to deal with it" type of person.  If I want something bad enough, I try to figure out a way to make it work.

Here are a couple of things I thought of today that could help in my situation:
1.  Make time to have lunch with her at school and volunteer too.
2.  Be more active with other families - both single parents and married. (Some times I am so exhausted we just stay home and I know she feels like she is missing out on fun things.)
3.  Try to bring more of her dad into her life.  (This does not mean visits because I have tried to get him to see her more and he just can't for some reason, but by talking about him or drawing pictures for him, I can make him a bigger part of her life so she doesn't have to feel like he is hardly in it.)

Any other ideas?
I am determined to make a better life for my children.  I don't want them to feel like they are in a struggling single mom home.  Granted we are....especially sometimes... but being a parent isn't about money or things.  It is about enjoying life together and there is plenty we can do to make life good for our kids.